I've come to find that in many cases the phrase "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" is just a load of crap!! No one can argue that life is meant to be an ongoing sea of change. We see this everyday from watching our kids grow, experiencing our own changing likes/dislikes, weather, political shifts, demographic shifts, and so many others to list. Life, along with everything and everyone, is not meant to be a static object stuck in a particular moment of time. We should be continually moving, growing, learning and most of all - CHANGING! This means that sometimes things are broken and will need fixing from time to time.
The idea of 'good' and 'bad' are really subjective to our own ideals. If something is broken then it must be bad and in the same respect, if something is working then it must be good. This lax and flexible rule applies to our own personality traits/behaviors. Yes, you can be a 'good' person, but in relation to what or whom? To your neighbor? To your boss? To your spouse? Anna brings up a good perspective in her blog:
"If good is used for the evil purposes of predators then good itself becomes dangerous. We really must make determined efforts to not allow good to be used as a cloak for evil, especially if that good resides in ourselves. . . There is something fundamentally wrong with our idea of how "good" people should be if we are not discriminating enough to make sure our "good" is not used to facilitate evil. If the "good" qualities we boast of are used as weapons in the hands of a predator then our "good" is actually turned to evil. This is very serious business."
What about the narcissist? How many dysfunctional families utilize the aforementioned hidden message under the guise that everything is fine so don't try to 'fix' things by changing the status quo, speaking out, ignoring the 'white elephant in the room'? This message is highly orchestrated by the narcissist because they truly are static beings who don't believe they are broken or need to change - yes, in their mind they are inherently 'good'. And it is expected that the non-narcissist, enabler, co-narcissist is to exhibit certain 'good' qualities of their own. Some examples Anna gives of 'good' qualities expected by the narcissist are:
*deeply empathic
*people pleasing
*slow to judge
*excessively tolerant
*belief in the basic good of others
When we bestow these graces upon evil people we can safely state that these qualities become evil themselves.
I have allowed myself to be stuck in these 'good' behaviors. These characteristics in and of themselves are not 'bad' but like Anna points out, when we exhibit these qualities in the dynamics of a relationship that continually allows someone to harm us, then these traits are no longer 'good' and healthy. I've been so quick to please and very tolerant believing in the good of someones' intentions that on too many occasions I've overlooked and ignored someones' harsh criticisms, devaluing me, belittling me and my kids. I've even kept quiet when these tactics have been used on others - either overtly or covertly in the form of gossip and false concern. Thus allowing someone's evil to permeate my own heart and that of those close to me.
It's looking at this in hindsight that I realize that some of my family members are broken and YES, I am broken as well. I need fixing!! If you look from a more spiritual perspective, we are all broken. Jesus didn't come to earth to help an intact, 'good' group of people. Jesus came to offer hope and salvation to everyone because we are all broken and riddled with sin - we can't save ourselves. I think realizing this is a step in a positive direction towards healing. Not only do I have my heavenly Father's help towards changing what's broken in my heart, I can also draw on the strength of no longer being afraid to question the status quo, rock the boat and confront that nasty white elephant sitting smack dab in the middle of the room!!
BrashWord, you are a Warrior Women of Worth who dares to swim up stream -- LOVE THAT!
ReplyDeleteYou are so right about the "The Big White Elephant sitting smack dab in the middle of the room", and in a NFOO the Elephant is Nism, and as the Normal in the group we know the Elephant doesn't belong in the room, yet all the Ns are feeding it and watching it grow year after Year after YEAR. We try to warn everyone to STOP, don't you see IT getting LARGER and IT is taking over, but the Ns don't care, they just keep feeding IT. We try to get IT to leave before IT destroys our home, but IT doesn't want to leave, because IT has become accustomed to our NFamily, IT is a LARGE part of our NFamily, it is the CENTER part of our NFamily, and it becomes the MAIN part of our NFamily. We try to open the door and let IT out, but each person in the NFamily slams the door shut and accuses us of betraying the NFamily, by trying to let IT out, let IT go, and get rid of IT.
So what choice do we have? We can't fight IT, we can't avoid IT, and if we stay we will be the one designated to clean up all ITs Toxic Waste. We can decide, well ITs not so bad, get desensitized to the Toxic Waste, get use to cleaning up after IT has dumped all over everyone, spend the rest of our lives cleaning up after IT, or we can leave until the N-family gets rid of IT themselves. Most likily the Nfamily will not get rid of IT because they enjoy IT and see nothing wrong with IT. To Them we are the only one in the Nfamily that has a problem w/IT, therefore it becomes our Problem that we will not accept it like everyone else. It is disguisting and IT repulses you, but to them IT is beautiful. It is Too Toxic & Contagious so we can not stay or we will become like IT. Even a little bit like IT turns us into something who we were not meant to be. The only way to get Free From IT and to Protect Ourselves Completely from IT is to have No Contact with IT. Which means Letting Go of everyone who has contact with IT and has been contaminated by IT.
Change is not always easy, but it is Necessary.
Thanks for writting a great article!
Your list of qualities expected by a Narcissist is spot on. Who else would put up with their bizarre worldview, their toxic and just downright weird behavior, if not someone who was excessively tolerant and non-judgemental?
ReplyDeleteNice post. Also, thanks for linking to Anna's blog so I can see what you're referring to.
Soaring - thnx so much for your perspective! That is exactly where I am at - acknowledging the 'elephant in the rm' and FINALLY speaking out & separating myself from NFOO, vs. tolerating it like I've done for many yrs. At first I was sad at losing EF but I've come to find, like you've noted, that he sees nothing wrong with NM and I'm the one who has to 'make nice'. That's when I said ENOUGH!
ReplyDeletePWC - thnx for your reply! Isn't it interesting to see those characteristics and realize how NM's raise us to exhibit those traits to suit them?? Astonishing looking at it now as an adult aware of NPD compared to not knowing the dynamics of it all as a kid. Better to find out late than never, right?! ;)
Trying to maintain a relationship with a narcissist is such a backwards maze of confusion. How strange it is that we must use caution with our good behaviors because the narcissist will twist those good behaviors into something bad. Since learning of narcissism, I have really come to see life from the survival perspective. There are many types of predators. In order to survive, we must learn how to avoid their individually unique attacks. Like any predator, avoiding a narcissist is usually the surest way to stay safe and healthy.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the great post!
Raven