Little Girl Lost

Little Girl Lost
Written June 2007 / Finished Jan. 2008


Here I am alone, sitting in the corner as I cry
So much anger built up inside constantly questioning "Why?"
I remember his distance to me; quite aloof and somewhat cold
Mostly speaking if I made a mistake with a distasteful tone in his scold
Never measuring up to his standards no matter how many times I overachieved
Now locked in this world of perfection with disappointment; never relieved
And I remember her compassion yet tempered with chaos and constraint
Never allowed to disagree; only to back down and forced to compensate
I remember finding her one time crying on the floor in her despair
Her struggles put above our own and now I’m the one sitting there

I am a little girl lost
With my writing as my outlet; my voice
Though you choose to stay in denial
My heart doesn’t have that choice

I’m empty and so confused, admittedly ashamed of whom I am
So many things to be thankful for which is why I cannot understand
Yet I constantly feel inadequate and my self esteem is at an all time low
Subconsciously waiting for your permission to tell me which direction I should go
Are you even aware of what you did by overly suppressing the child inside?
You’ve muted the voice I held within and even in adulthood your grip won’t subside
Maybe if you admitted your mistakes because more than a simple ’sorry’ has come due
And stop the negative cycle of guilt you project to play the victim like you do

I am a little girl lost
Riddled with guilt and emotional decay
In a place separate from reality
As my identity has withered away

I am constantly in a struggle and getting lost in this situation
Forced to pick sides between parents and sibling triangulations
Pitting us against each other through your manipulation while being subtle
Always quick to blame who’s doing wrong, leaving you on your faultless pedestal
And I can’t forget how easy it is for you to withdraw your love and turn your back
If we try to be adults and disagree, our independence yields your verbal attacks
It’s been an unspoken rule to let the past go, or has it really been just your choice?
Since you’re unable to confront the pain you’ve caused as you fight to stifle my voice

I am a little girl lost
Acknowledging the hurt and trying to restrain
Your conditional love and constant demands
Because I know you’ll never change

The struggles I now face in adulthood are too apparent to hide
Feeling lost and unloved amidst the pain as I try to push it all aside
Struggling with this façade of perfection reaching for a goal I cannot attain
Constantly pushed because of your own shortcomings while I’m left with nothing gained
Must be nice to sit in your world of that delusion where you have sole control
But I’ve moved on into reality now and to your suffocating grip I say "No More!"