One Step Closer

I've spilled a lot along the lines of the toxic behavior of several of my family members and shed some light on NPD. . . . but really, what does that mean in relation to me and the person I am? To be honest, there are still many days I'm trying to find that answer, unsure of the 'real' me, but I am learning as I go.

For starters, I know that I'm a work in progress as I sift through the lies, division, emotional strain/abuse, and silence. Being a DoNM (daughter of a narcissist mother) means that I rarely have had the chance to showcase who Brash is. It's always been me reacting to some action of my NFOO (narc family of origin) thus minimizing my independence. Make sense? Basically, I've come to find that I can't truly follow a path in life that's meant for me if I'm continuing to choose the directions that are pushed, strongly urged, or outright controlled for me by others.

There's been a lot over the last couple of months that I've had to silently sit and analyze to make sense of it all. Like a heavily veneered piece of furniture in need of repair, I'm slowly peeling back the layers to see the raw beauty of what's underneath. And I can realize the joy in being who I am with no apology for being different than someone else. I can now work on diffusing the lies that NM, EF, NSis and others in my family have poured on me for many yrs.


This means I am one step closer to:

*Accepting myself and even my faults; I don't have to be perfect like NFOO pushes
*Accepting differences in others such as my husband and children. We are all one big melting pot of a mess at times and I LOVE it!
*Loving my body and it's shape the way it is and no longer starving to be 'perfect'
*Realizing that being a stay-at-home mom isn't a lack of accomplishment but one of the best choices I've made in my life so far
*Believing that I am lovable and not because I've made myself into something that suits everyone else - but because I AM ME!
*Having confidence in the choices I make and the maturity to change any choice that no longer works for me, my husband and children
*Realizing the unconditional love of my Heavenly Father - who is a father so unlike my own. Sometimes it's hard to imagine the love God has for me.

There are several more things I'm learning everyday and sometimes the feelings, negative and positive, can be overwhelming. But each time I display the patience I never received, give the unconditional love I didn't have, each time I offer grace and mercy to my kids despite their mistakes - which I didn't experience at their age, each time I boldly try something new instead of listening to the fear NM has put in me to stay the same, and each time I smile above the pain in order to heal and move forward. . . .

. . . . I know that I'm on the right path and moving One Step Closer to the real Brash. :)