Tuesday, April 26, 2011

The Indian Giver - a Narc's specialty

Let's begin with a current story:

I just talked to my Brother (who is NM's scapegoat) the day after Easter to find out that NM has struck a chord with one of us kids AGAIN - no surprise there! Apparently a nice set of bistro table have been sitting in their basement for years being stored/unused and NM promised them to my bro approx. 6 months ago, though of course after NM made a note to let him know that she's offering them to him since he doesn't get much (Aww, what a great mother!! - *gag*). HOWEVER, when my brother called to wish NM a Happy Easter, NM informed my bro that NSis was coming out to their house for Easter and her DH was bringing his truck so they could take the tables. Say what?! No inference as to having previously promised them to my brother?? Of course not! In fact, she did her usual projection/gaslight tactic by telling him that NSis really wanted a chandelier & lamp but NM strictly said, "No" to those items as she was saving those for my dear brother (Aww again at what a great mother she is! *insert sarcasm* ). The irony of it all is that my brother has already told NM a couple of times that he doesn't need nor want the chandelier/lamp that she already tried to give him on numerous occasions. . . . . which occasions NM has 'conveniently' forgotten.

So now some analysis:

First of all, anyone who is in contact with a narcissist knows that they are awful gift givers overall - if they even decide to give you anything. It's either cheap, suited to THEIR tastes, or a ploy to illicit some form of adoration/worship from you for THEM. If one lacks empathy and basic human consideration for others (which narcs do lack), there's no way that person can possibly take the time to pick out a heartfelt gift that says something special about YOU. They don't care what's special about YOU - plain and simple. So ALWAYS beware of narc gift givers.

Also, after talking to my bro another thing struck me. No gift is ever given by a narc w/out some strings attached. The gift is simply a tool to be used by the narc as some form of manipulation. It made me think of the term "Indian Giver". See, once you are offered something by the narc - it's your turn to jump for joy and bow down in utter graciousness that they thought of little ol' you. Can you feel the love yet?! If you don't jump, then be ready for their wrath or for them to 'take away' the gift as a form of manipulative punishment. . . . which is exactly what happened to my bro. :(

Those tables were never truly a 'gift' nor did she care about what he didn't get from her in life. They were simply objects used to sacrifice my brother's feelings at the expense of punishing him (maybe for not visiting/calling enough) and to also suck up to NSis - who NM had complained about to my bro a couple days earlier because NSis has been ignoring NM. Nope, the tables were only a pawn to AGAIN, put NM and HER needs in the middle of her Narc Web leaving my brother duped by her "Indian Giver" tactic and my NSis to fawn over the perceived 'generosity' of NM. Never a dull moment!! *wink*

Saturday, April 16, 2011

The Rainbow

I saw an interesting comment on a website - but am sorry that I don't remember the link. :(
(If I find the exact article I will edit this post)

Basically it was an article where Dr. Karyl McBride was quoting one of her clients regarding the reality of having narcissistic parents. The client said that she finally figured it out that her parents' narcissism was akin to them being colorblind and her struggling to get them to see the 'rainbow' in her. It made perfect sense!

You cannot will a 'colorblind' person to see the difference between shades of gray, brown, navy blue, black OR between white, light pink, off-white, etc. All the colors are clearly the same to them. Whereas for a healthy person - my inference meaning a non-narcissistic individual - he/she can not only see the difference but can also appreciate the beauty of those differences.

If you are continually exposed to someone trying to mute your 'colors' and insisting you see the world through a limited scope of the color spectrum they see, it can be very damaging to your psyche in the long run. You will miss out on the beauty and no longer apprecate the differences/uniqueness everyone can bring to a relationship. So to anyone still being clouded by the FOG (fear/obligation/guilt) of a narc - find your way out so you can finally let others see the rainbow inside of you!! :)

Sunday, April 3, 2011

One Step Closer

I've spilled a lot along the lines of the toxic behavior of several of my family members and shed some light on NPD. . . . but really, what does that mean in relation to me and the person I am? To be honest, there are still many days I'm trying to find that answer, unsure of the 'real' me, but I am learning as I go.

For starters, I know that I'm a work in progress as I sift through the lies, division, emotional strain/abuse, and silence. Being a DoNM (daughter of a narcissist mother) means that I rarely have had the chance to showcase who Brash is. It's always been me reacting to some action of my NFOO (narc family of origin) thus minimizing my independence. Make sense? Basically, I've come to find that I can't truly follow a path in life that's meant for me if I'm continuing to choose the directions that are pushed, strongly urged, or outright controlled for me by others.

There's been a lot over the last couple of months that I've had to silently sit and analyze to make sense of it all. Like a heavily veneered piece of furniture in need of repair, I'm slowly peeling back the layers to see the raw beauty of what's underneath. And I can realize the joy in being who I am with no apology for being different than someone else. I can now work on diffusing the lies that NM, EF, NSis and others in my family have poured on me for many yrs.

This means I am one step closer to:

*Accepting myself and even my faults; I don't have to be perfect like NFOO pushes
*Accepting differences in others such as my husband and children. We are all one big melting pot of a mess at times and I LOVE it!
*Loving my body and it's shape the way it is and no longer starving to be 'perfect'
*Realizing that being a stay-at-home mom isn't a lack of accomplishment but one of the best choices I've made in my life so far
*Believing that I am lovable and not because I've made myself into something that suits everyone else - but because I AM ME!
*Having confidence in the choices I make and the maturity to change any choice that no longer works for me, my husband and children
*Realizing the unconditional love of my Heavenly Father - who is a father so unlike my own. Sometimes it's hard to imagine the love God has for me.

There are several more things I'm learning everyday and sometimes the feelings, negative and positive, can be overwhelming. But each time I display the patience I never received, give the unconditional love I didn't have, each time I offer grace and mercy to my kids despite their mistakes - which I didn't experience at their age, each time I boldly try something new instead of listening to the fear NM has put in me to stay the same, and each time I smile above the pain in order to heal and move forward. . . .

. . . . I know that I'm on the right path and moving One Step Closer to the real Brash. :)