Healing is not as easy as saying "I forgive you" and then it's done, especially with a narc. How do you even touch the emotion of forgiveness when the perpetrator admits to nothing and blames all but herself? Convenient for them, huh?! The damage is done yet the narc claims no responsibility to clean up their own mess. One site that I've looked at a lot recently for this purpose, to not only work on my own healing but also spiritual growth, is Luke Ministries.
After going 'no contact' for the time being from some family members, I felt an overwhelming feeling of guilt and couldn't understand why. Why should I feel guilty for cutting people out of my life who continually hurt, emotionally abuse, and criticize me - especially when their toxic behavior was starting to spill over onto my children - just because they're 'family'? It just didn't make sense. I felt like a 'bad girl' for not sticking around, submitting to their manipulations and just taking the brunt of the crap they fling at me. Truly this isn't the way one is supposed to live but I've had many years of emotional conditioning where it wasn't MY feelings I was apparently worried about deep down.
After reading more on the concept of forgiveness and contemplating on my own comfort level in dealing with these family members, I've come to realize that my healing is not dependent on giving them forgiveness; my healing is dependent on keeping their toxic behavior far away from me, my husband and my children!! Refusing to acknowledge their wrongdoing, twisting things to make it look like I'm at fault, and lying/gossipping about me behind my back just proves they are not looking for forgiveness. One only seeks forgiveness when he/she honestly feels they have done wrong and wants to make amends with the person(s) they've hurt. Forgiveness means the offensive behavior is to cease, if not greatly diminish, which has yet to ever happen.
No, a narcissist and his/her enabler isn't looking for forgiveness because they don't want to change, admit they are wrong, accept responsibility. All they want is to keep you around to cut down/abuse in order to lift themselves up. It's all about THEM, which makes it a futile effort to try and heal in that type of environment.
**Warn a divisive person once, then warn him a second time. After that, have nothing to do with him. You may be sure that such a man is warped and sinful; he is self-condemned....Titus 3:10-11**
Conspiracy theory about little ol' me
5 years ago
"I've come to realize that my healing is not dependent on giving them forgiveness; my healing is dependent on keeping their toxic behavior far away from me, my husband and my children!! Refusing to acknowledge their wrongdoing, twisting things to make it look like I'm at fault, and lying/gossipping about me behind my back just proves they are not looking for forgiveness."
ReplyDeleteThis really hits home today. I had not spoken to my NM in a year and recently had to and thianks to what I have read on blogs I was able to say, "I did not cause things to be this way." Of course she didn't get it, it was all about me needing to never forget that I only have one mother.....etc., etc. but I am glad I have learned so much.
Great post.
I struggle with this a lot. The part about feeling guilty. I am the good daughter, the good friend, the good sister...barf. I am a doormat sometimes. I have begun to learn to ground myself. For example, I am hurting because you were unfair, mean, intentionally spiteful "fill in the blank" and I am standing here until you apologize. This is my line *see here* and I am not coming over. You may stand there. When you choose to cross this line it should be with remorse and sorrow. I am grounded here. Do you see what I mean. I always want to fix, to make better to correct. Sometimes I need to just stay. I hope that rambling made at least a wee bit of sense. :)
ReplyDeleteThe guilt is the hardest part for me too. It wasn't until my husband said that maybe me being around them - and not grounding myself w/ some distance - is making it worse because I was allowing the negative behavior. I was letting their sin affect me to the point that I had my sin to deal with on top of theirs (anxiety, guilt, anger, shame, fear, etc).
ReplyDeleteIt finally hit me that sometimes the right thing to do is to draw that line and let them deal with their own consequences - no more fix-it-ups!
I also thought that my Healing Process would be limited due to Popular Definitions of Forgiveness, Acceptance and Closure. I am Thrilled to find that others are also questioning what we have been taught about these very important concepts and aspects of our lives.
ReplyDeleteI use to think, What in the World is Wrong w/me that others offer Forgiveness w/out the Requirement or Prerequisite of Repentance, and I see something totally Wrong w/forgiving Ns who justify their Abuse and make Excuses for the Abuses. They are not Sorry and are not motivated to Change, and by giving them Cheap Forgiveness we send them the message that yup you were right what you did wasn't bad, because after all I am Forgiving you w/out requiring that you Change and stop hurting me. YUCK!
I was a fixer too. I was always the one who was expected to make things "right". Eventually, I took on the role willingly. Whenever I "fixed" things, I felt accepted by my FOO. However, the meaning of making things "right" in their minds was twisted. It meant that, after they behaved badly, their false image was to be repaired with my willing words and my and others' feelings and/or rights were to be taken back and forgotten quickly.
ReplyDeleteNow that I am "no contact" with them, it feels good to stand firmly in place with my boundaries intact. It is a statement in which I say "no more". If they wish for true forgiveness, they must be the ones who fix their behavior and then humbly come to me. It feels good to know that the guilt I've felt was programmed and invalid. I'm not responsible for their behavior!