Tuesday, May 31, 2011

On with Plan B

Well, it's been awhile since my last post but I do have good reason. . . especially since it's taken me a total of 3 days just to write, edit, and post this, LOL! My daughter was born on May 9th

and though I had set out for an all natural birth, it didn't quite go as expected. Obviously, even having to go to the hospital for an induction takes away from the 'natural' nature of birth. But I was as minimal as possible with just an oral med. to start the process but not much happened for hours. Then breaking my water. . . . again, not much! This went on for almost 30 hrs. and I was stuck at 3-4 dilation. :( So we went with Plan B and I broke down deciding that Pitocin was the best option at this point. After those wonderfully feeling contractions *insert sarcasm* for an hour, I had an epidural. Then lo' and behold, my baby girl was born not long after! Guess my body responded better to the intervention - *shrug*

But even in that process I learned some new things. For starters, our nurse had a cute quote. She asked if I knew how to make God laugh? She paused and when I said, "No" she continued with the answer of, "Have a plan". And it seemed to resonate with me because I thought I had every aspect of this pregnancy figured out, planned out and was on my way. It took more faith and trust for me to go forward with something outside of my 'plan' than it did to even conjure up my plan. Guess God had that lesson for me all along! When I think I have it figured out, He lets me know that I should move over a bit because He is the one that's driving. I can just sit in the passenger seat and enjoy the ride. :)

Also, after looking at my beautiful baby's face and pondering the direction of my life, my faith, my current situation with NFoo - I've decided that I want my blog to likewise gravitate in a different direction. From a couple of comments my brother has shared about NM - such as her refusing to come to his son's bday if I am there and her/EF no longer attending church because it's the same one I go to - it's textbook narc behavior which proves that she is content in her wicked, hurtful & unrepentant ways. Because of this, I don't want to dwell on her or a subject related to her. there are so many more positive & uplifting things in my life. I do myself a disservice by focusing on the past since going no-contact means there isn't much heartache going on presently because I don't deal with NFoo.

By not having contact with NFoo, my hubby and I have allowed ourselves to open our life up to a myriad of friends/church 'family' members that have offered such positive influences to us and our family. It is immeaurable how they have touched our lives. We never would have had this opportunity had we solely been stuck in NM/EF's web of influence which sheltered/isolated us from others due to their judgement/influence on our lives. I'm sad it has come to this with my family but ever thankful for the things God has shown me of other people in our lives.

It's true that when one door closes, several more can open and it's that hope that I'm clinging to and looking forward to along with working on forgiveness.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

It's D-Day done MY way :)

Well, after a very low key pregnancy, the last 3 wks have been very back and forth with 'issues' of my amniotic fluid levels being low (dr's get nervous when it drops as low as 5 or below) and the office staff/dr'spushing for me to have an induction - despite me asking for time to naturally get my fluid levels up. Now a little background on this is that I initially wanted to have my baby at a birth center this time with no/little intervention but it boiled down to cost and what our insurance would cover so I stayed w/the OB practice I was already established with. Another point to make is that other than low fluid levels, there is NOTHING else showing up as a concern regarding my health or baby's health. Her stress tests have all been great! & she moves constantly - thus mitigating any other red flags that induction is mandatory.

Needless to say, I've had to come out of my comfort zone and be more of an advocate for me and my baby on what is truly necessary and what's just the dr's pushing for me to fall in line with 'protocol'. Definitely trying to grow outside the box of being a compliant daughter of an NM, lol!

Well, add to this equation my SGBro calling to pressure and covertly guilt me into letting NParents (NP) know about the impending arrival of baby #4. He even went so far as to suggest that the NP's could still come to the hospital in a 'controlled' environment just to see the baby and then be on their way and suggesting for me to be 'Christian' in this situation because I cannot take back the resentment if I ever re-establish a relationship w/NP's in the future.
WOW!! His conversation was WRONG and so co-Narc it's like reading it out of an enabler textbook. This is the same brother whom I just blogged about getting sh*t on by NM - plus I've explained my feelings, hurts, resentments about NFoo MANY times to him since my initiated estrangement. Oh, and he's been a professed atheist for many years but is 'warming' up to the idea of there even being a God, doesn't go to church and I don't believe he even reads the bible. . . . but he's suggesting that I be 'Christian' in this matter - LMFAO!!! Um, OK! *sarcasm*

SO. . . . What should the Brash do??? Capitulate as usual? Go with the flow for other's sake?? HELL NO!! While I'm not looking to go totally renegade and be purposefully defiant - I am finally agreeing to be induced though on a day that works with MY schedule. . . . *note* my file already shows that I apparently 'REFUSED' to come in for induction two days prior. I don't think ASKING for more time to naturally increase fluid levels is outright 'REFUSING' but WHATEVER! Also, once they get contractions going, I want NO FURTHER interventions which I and hubby will stick with (please pray I can withstand the pain and any annoying nurses, lol!!)

Secondly, my brother's supposed 'benevolent' request will be ignored and if he asks again, he will clearly have my full unrated reasoning as to why I DO NOT think I'm obligated to allow manipulative, destructive, unrepentent, hurtful people around me or my children. My parents are fully aware that I'm pregnant and they know when my due date is. When I sent letters explaining my hurts and their actions being the reason for me distancing myself from them, they are adults and fully capable of reaching out to take responsibility, correct, apologize for said actions. Yet they have NOT done anything aside from dropping manipulative/hoovering hints to me. . . . like leaving items on my porch and pics in my mailbox w/out any correspondence.

NO! - I WILL NOT AGAIN sacrifice MY comfort, dignity, self-esteem & self-worth just to appease THEIR comfort level. Me and my family deserve more, which is why I'm moving foward with this new step in my life and doing things MY WAY!! :)

p.s. Thank You to all my fellow bloggers/readers who have wished me well. It means a lot to have people rallying behind me and wishing good things for me!!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

The Moment

I'm currently pregnant with baby #4 and am about 2 wks out from my due date which has had me on edge a little lately w/planning, etc. Aside from that, I'm still working on healing and re-creating a healthy life w/out NFoo (see past posts regarding this). Then insert me getting borderline fanatical about looking up budgeting, frugal living, easy meal prep blogs, sites and books from the library. Our budget is stretched super thin and focusing on ways that I can improve some areas of how our household functions has been all consuming - maybe a little TOO consuming.

But now I'm getting to the point of really thinking about what I've spent so much time focusing on?? Well for starters, I've been dealing with anger, hurt, resentment against some family members along with elation, worry, anxiety, joy from the impending arrival of our baby girl to more stress and frustration with our lack of $$. But it all revolves around ME, 'what-if' scenarios, and could-a/would-a/should-a thinking! There has to be more to the day and life than this? :-P

In the blog ZenHabits, the author Leo Babauta wrote a recent post commemorating his 38th birthday with 38 lessons he's learned in life. The one that made me stop and really think is life lesson #5:

"The moment is all there is. All our worries and plans about the future, all our replaying of things that happened in the past — it’s all in our heads, and it just distracts us from fully living right now. Let go of all that, and just focus on what you’re doing, right at this moment. In this way, any activity can be meditation."

Like the quote mentions, what would my day - and even life - look like if I minimized the worry, stopped replaying old hurts from the past and started letting the right here, right now affect me?? What if I lived more of a 'carpe diem' - or seize the day mentality??

Maybe I would stop more, open the blinds and truly look at the beauty of the sun glistening off of my newly budding lilac bush. . . . see the sparkle in my toddler's eyes and enjoy the squeals as he runs chasing his older brother and sister through the house. . . . welcome the scruffy feel of my yellow lab rubbing on my leg trying to steal one more pet. . . . kiss my husband a little longer to enjoy those last few seconds before he's out the door and off to work. . . . sit down with my older kids more and pray with them.

Sometimes I feel so limited by my past and let worry of the future take hold of and shadow those moments that should be so precious to me right now. Why? Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we not let go and just like the breeze on a crisp Spring afternoon. . . let The Moment hit us, experiencing it's presence - allowing us to feel and LIVE?!