Thursday, January 5, 2012

Move For 2012 - feel free to follow!! :)

I've thought about this blog and the wonderful people I've met along our journey of healing from the damage our NFOO has done. I can't forget the past. It's shaped me and I've grown along the way. Yet it no longer defines me. There will still be struggles - like NSis trying to continually call over the holidays, ugh! - but I know I'm not the same person I once was.

Which is why I've decided to start a new blog which details more about ME - a healthier me with more dimension and joy. I don't consider this a New Years Resolution - just another way to let go of the FOG, put the past to rest and continue on with a new beginning. :)

You can now find me at:

Hope to see you there to share your ideas, advice, recipes, etc!

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

On my side???

Yes, I'm terrible at keeping up with writing. Life at home keeps me plenty busy lately it seems with 4 kiddies and another on the way. But every once in awhile I can find a moment, like now, to spew out some of what's been on my mind lately. . . .

Needless to say, the holidays brings on the phone calls. Benevolent it seems just 'seeing how I'm doing', etc. but something doesn't sit right. When I get that uneasy feeling inside, I begin searching. Searching for answers. When browsing through some blogs, I came across this post from Soaring Dove. A couple of ideas she had really struck a chord with me and shed some light on some areas I've been struggling with regarding NFOO and those who enable. One was:

The Army of the Enablers blindside us when we are most vulnerable. We trust them to have our back and devastated to find out that they have stabbed us in the back. The Enablers echo out our same Battle cry that the Overt N's abuse is wrong and must come to an end, but when we are holding the Overt N accountable the Covert attack of the Army of Enablers begins with either overt or covert bullying, harassment, guilt tripping tactics in order to recruit us to join their Enabling Army that Specializes in Cheap Premature Forgiveness and supports the Overt N ruling the KoN.

The Enabling Army turns on us, and the focus is no longer the Overt N's Lack of Remorse and Desire to Hurt Others, but our Lack of Forgiveness, Acceptance, and Reconciliation with the Overt N. The Enabling Army say they have our best interest at heart while they are attacking our heart. We know the identity of the Overt N is pathological and evil, so we do not want any contact with the Overt N, but the Enabling Army can not and will not admit the Overt N is evil, because then what does that say about them?

Wow, this completely describes my enabling father and dare I say my brother, aunt, and anyone else who shows no concern for the hurt NM has done - only to shun , guilt me, lie to me/about me for separating myself from the toxic/destructive web of my narcissistic mother and sister. Yes, they will feign concern, wonder what's wrong, why am I so upset. But it's just a fake concern. They search only to gauge where I stand with NM, am I ready to submit, where that leaves them in the toxic web, and what can they take from the conversation to add to their appeasement arsenal when NM seems like she will attack them if they have contact with me. They will share bits of our conversation as an offering to the 'Narc God' (aka - NM) so she can add more gossip about me in her slander campaign and be pleased with them for being the messenger like the good puppet they are. *SIGH*

Which highlights another of Soaring Dove's points:

The Covert Illusion of the KoN is that the Enablers are fellow victims trapped in the N's KoN with lots of FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) preventing their escape. We project onto the Enablers that they would want to be rescued, but they don't because they are not captives looking to escape harm, but rather covert Ns who know the overt N needs a target and if it will not be us, then it will be them. Covert Ns are not like us, they are like the Overt Ns. Covert Ns do not want to escape the KoN, they don't want to leave Hell, but want us to return to Hell to serve their own self-interest of not being the Overt N's new target.

So reality has hit me like a ton of bricks. Aside from DH, my kids and my wonderful MIL & her hubby, I have no one else on my side. Blind to think I had one ally from my FOO. Like Soaring Dove said, and my heart now accepts - They don't want to be rescued!

Sometimes we have to stand alone to stop the cycle of dysfunction, division, emotional destruction - even if it's only for our own selves. There is no one else with enough of a backbone to expose the evil that is my mother. The legacy I leave my children will not be like the one I've inherited from my own family. So courageously I stand. . . on MY OWN side!

Love this bible verse!
Titus 3 10-11:
10 Warn divisive people once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them. 11 You may be sure that such people are warped and sinful; they are self-condemned.

Friday, September 23, 2011

You Don't Always Get A Choice

This idea popped into my head while discussing some biblical issues with my daughter yesterday. Her non-Christian friend commented that since God gave us free will then we are free to make a choice and it's 'all good' - with a controversial topic being discussed. Perplexed as my daughter was, she couldn't think of a response at that moment so she asked me later. I told her that yes & no regarding the whole issue of free will and choice. We are given free will to choose. We can choose what's right or wrong, truth or untruth, God or the world. but when it comes down to God's word and how we are to live, there are many instances where we DON'T get a choice! Period! No gray area! You believe or you don't! We can't pick some things out of the bible to follow and then discard the rest. As Mark Driscoll quoted on his Facebook page:
"If you believe what you like in the Gospel, and reject what you don't like, it is not the Gospel you believe, but yourself." - Augustine

There are so many instances in life and what we see daily that counter this idea such as. . . .
I can't say I believe in God's blessings of wealth, prosperity and then discard where he says we are to look after the poor - Matthew 19:20-24

I can't say I believe in the sanctity of marriage and then bail when we hit a rocky path (note today's approx. 50% divorce rate) - Matthew 5:31-32

I can't say I believe that children are a blessing but then say that the kids I have are enough, don't bless me anymore God! - Psalm 127: 3-5

I can't say I believe that Jesus was persecuted and died for me yet I don't think as a Christian I am subject to any level of discomfort for my faith - Mark 8:34-38

And this one being the hardest for me . . . . I can't say that I believe God has forgiven me yet I don't feel someone else is worthy of forgiveness - Luke 17:3, Matthew 6:14-15

Yes, we are to rebuke out of love hoping to achieve repentance so we can forgive but we live in a broken world. Evil exists and it's real as it manifests in the hearts of so many. I honestly am not waiting for an "I'm sorry" from my NM or EF. I've struggled with what forgiveness is supposed to look like then if I don't get repentance? Max Lucado, in his book 'Cast of Characters', had an idea. . . .
"To forgive someone is to admit our limitations. We've been given only one piece of life's jigsaw puzzle. Only God has the cover of the box. To forgive someone is to display reverence. Forgiveness is not saying the one who hurt you was right. Forgivenss is stating that God is fair and he will do what is right. After all, don't we have enough things to do without trying to do God's work too?"

So do I have a choice to forgive or not? Yes. No. I don't get a choice. I am to forgive. Then let God do the rest with the other party involved. Forgiving someone who's wronged me is for me; not always them. It's saying I forgive for the past while also saying that from this point forward I'm a new person. What was done before will not be acceptable now. A chasm in the relationship with a new beginning. No longer allowing abuse. Yes. Forgiveness is for me. It's not approving, diminishing the sin done against me, it's not enabling those who keep doing wrong, it's not denying what was done, it doesn't need an apology back, it's not about forgetting or ceasing to feel the pain, it may not be a one-time occurence, it leaves room for justice, it doesn't automatically extend trust back to those who damaged our trust, and most importantly. . . . forgiveness is NOT always about reconciliation.

*Thnx to Mark Driscoll's blog posting on Forgiveness at Mars Hill*

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Sticks and stones

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me!" . . . .

That famous old adage from childhood. *Sigh* If only I knew then what I know now. Words do hurt and it's in those words that so many of us hide. Hide from being shamed. Hide from feeling 'less than'. Hide from being a disappointment. Hide from low self-esteem. Hide from hurt, anger, resentment, sadness. But in reflection I realize that those words belonged to someone else. Those feelings weren't mine. They were the negative thoughts born out of someone else's dysfunction, spoken from their lips and thrust into my heart to make me become less so they can become, in their eyes, more. I have been sacrificed for the benefit of someone else. . . . my welfare a total unconcern. Those meant to help were only in place to harm. Because I wasn't with them, I am automatically deemed 'against them'.

It wasn't until I realized my own self-worth, separate from those words, that I could rise above the labels & demands put on me. I no longer had to play that 'role'. I used to feel bad for myself, sorry for what I endured while blindly believing they would change. But I don't as much anymore. Now I feel bad for them. Sad that those negative words in their own heart are all that their life will amount to. Pitiful. On a mission searching endlessly for someone else to 'dump' their thoughts on . . . . those negative,toxic words that truly describe the wickedness in their own core.

Friday, September 16, 2011

How Much is Too Much????

Ugh! It's been a LONG and rough week for some reason. This is already week 2 of back to school so our routine is actually going quite smoothly. Maybe it's the cooler weather? Baby Natalie is only waking about once a night but I still can't sleep well. Who knows. I just feel so tired and sluggish. Not matter how early I hit the sack, that morning wake-up around 6am-ish is a pain in the arse. :( Maybe it's a combination of things in my life right now that is just wearing me out??? . . . . . Was thinking this morning and trying to narrow down my routine during the day but it's such a fine line between deciding what is too much and what isn't.

How much is too much TV time? . . . . sometimes an extra episode of Dora gives me 30 min. of sanity!
How much is too much computer time? . . . . again, some sanity time and communicating w/hothers.
How much is too much coffee? . . . . is there such a thing as this??
How much is too much of saying "No" or redirecting little ones? . . . . gosh, will he EVER just do it the first time, lol!
How much is too much doing and not getting much back? . . . . . I'm supposed to serve joyfully w/out resentment, right?!
How much is too much housework to worry about? . . . . . the trinity of laundry, dishes & vacuuming are sapping my creative side, really!
How much is too much yelling, craziness around the house when I really just want to lie down? . . . . . is it Mommy's naptime yet????
How much is too much with a pet that no one seems to want to take care of? . . . . can add said responsibilities into my housework question - blah!
How much is too much with tight budgeting? . . . . will there EVER be relief??
How much is too much with monthly bills? . . . . . seriously, what more can we go w/out to save $$$??
How much is too much time between date nights? Alone time with different kids? . . . . . ALWAYS a balancing act with this
How much is too much volunteering/serving? . . . . . want to help, but lately I just feel burned out on teaching kids - I'm sure that sounds awful. :(
How much is too much planning, organizing, rearranging when it all ends up looking the same w/in a week? . . . . nothing else to say here!
How much is too much missing that moment to say what you really feel? . . . . either good or constructive criticism?
How much is too much pushing, hinting for me to 'make nice' with emotionally abusive people because 'they are who they are'? . . . . can't people just live their own life?!
How much is too much in regards to forgiveness, repentance, and reconcilation? . . . . . I know God wants us to forgive, but he doesn't mean to let others continually harm us like a doormat does he??

I'm sure there are millions more that I, and others, could post. Just really in a crux with things lately wondering how much it too much trying to be everything to everyone while still trying to figure out who I am???

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Soup-y Tuesday

Ever get tired of the same routine, same schedule, even the same lines of BS that some spew at you? Me too, lol! But the more I get 'tired' of things, the more it drives me to do things differently. Currently, I'm tired of being in debt and 'doing the dance' with our budget. So as is typical for my personality, I'm not OK bitching about it and carrying on doing the same thing with disappointing results.

See, being on a budget in a purposeful way to save, pay down debt and establish financial freedom mean that I have to research and try new ways to feed our growing family of 6 on a mere $100 (give or take a little xtra) a week. Impossible? Some weeks, YES! But through meal planning, carefully organizing what I have, and making more from scratch has helped mitigate the 'budget crunch'.

Which brings me to Soup-y Tuesday!!

I've been playing around with making certain nights of the week theme nights so Tuesdays are now being converted to soup-for-dinner. :) Soup is usually cheaper and I can make my own stock from homemade roast ckn or beef products.

Tonights Menu is: Onion Soup with Sausage & mushrooms, cheese filled bread stix (bought these per kid's request) and salad.

p.s. Monday is now leftover day! . . . and any other day where there's plenty left to feed the masses!

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Outside the Sphere

What do you do when you're hurt? How about when you're sad/upset? Struggling financially? Depressed? Just blah? It's easy to shove these emotions inside the center of our core and just 'deal with it'. Not everyone is very successful at this, though. Antidepressant usage is on the rise, not to mention those that resort to/are in the midst of some form of substance abuse to numb oneself. But it doesn't go away. Deep in the sphere it festers.

I tend to be a 'stewer' where I replay old hurts, try to figure out resolutions to any problems/issues that arise; a deep thinker if you will. If I don't understand something, someone, or myself I set forth on a mission to research and figure out what ails. Unfortunately, these deep feelings tend to isolate. When I'm focusing on my own hurts I can't possibly be concerned with the hurts of others. . . . at least not to the extent that I could. I'm stuck in my sphere. A circular bubble with a thick wall keeping outside influences away so I can continue to hang on to/nurse those hurts & feelings that I naively think define me. An impenetrable sphere where nothing gets in but where nothing also gets out, expunged, cleansed. Stagnant. Slowly rotting. Dark.

But there's hope! Today I was reminded of that. I had lost a gift card given to me months ago. I felt silly, foolish that I had not been more careful. It was a real downer because we could really have used it then but we managed. So I prayed. Not necessarily a prayer to restore the card, thus assuage my own embarrassment. No. I prayed forgiveness for not appreciating the blessing as I should. May seem silly to some to have murmered such a prayer. But here I sit admist a week of financial struggles - light bulbs burnt out, groceries in general waning, dog needing more allergy meds, school shopping around the corner, etc. Just a whole bunch of 'little' things that add up to a financial burden when they are all in need of being done/replaced at once. *SIGH* But lo and behold there it was! At the bottom of my baby's toy hamper was the little card that I thought I'd lost for good staring back at me.

A simple occurance in the day to so many. No big deal. Just grab it, spend it and go on about life - right?? I couldn't just do that. Not without giving Glory to where/whom it's due. To me it let me know that my heavenly Father is looking out for me, even when I feel others have let me down or when I've dropped the ball for someone. YES, he does care and he will provide. It will all be done on His time and the timing will be perfect! I can begin to feel secure enough, knowing God has my back, to open a door in that sphere as I let the 'ugly' seep out and allow the love and compassion for others flow in. No more does the sphere have to be a ball & chain holding me down.

There's more in this world than just ME. . . or US. . . or YOU! I pray for boldness to step outside the sphere I've been hiding in. Allow me to make a difference for someone so they too can have the courage, support to take that step outside the sphere, and so on. A new movement forward. Progress. A positive difference!