Narcissism What??

Many have heard the word 'Narcissist', like I have, but really don't have an in depth idea as to what it really means. It is a little more than someone who just is 'full of themselves' or is conceited, vain, etc. Because the term has been 'simplified' (and isn't fully correct), it can be hard to truly convey the lasting effects one feels after being in the Narcissists' toxic presence for any length of time, let alone being raised by a narcissist parent (NP).

A quick listing of traits is given on the site www.narcissism101.com - below:

Narcissistic Personality Symptoms

1.grandiosity / exaggeration
2.fantastic thinking / romantic
3.believes special / unique
4.requires admiration
5.entitled / demanding
6.exploitive / manipulative
7.lacks empathy
8.envious / jealous
9.arrogant / haughty

Narcissism falls under the Cluster B category of personality disorders - which are personalities that are highly dramatic, both emotionally and behaviorally. . . . yup, that's my Mom!! Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic, and Histrionic Personality are in this group. As one site noted: "In considering individuals who create the most damage to social and personal relationships, the abusers, manipulators, “players”, controllers, and losers are found in Cluster B."

To put it in laymen's terms with examples (which really helps me), the site http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html has some great ones! I've added a few exerpts below based on the traits that stand out to me as being exuded frequently by my own mom:

Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers

** Everything she does is deniable. There is always a facile excuse or an explanation. Cruelties are couched in loving terms. Aggressive and hostile acts are paraded as thoughtfulness. Selfish manipulations are presented as gifts. Criticism and slander is slyly disguised as concern. She only wants what is best for you. She only wants to help you.

** She favoritizes. Narcissistic mothers commonly choose one (sometimes more) child to be the golden child and one (sometimes more) to be the scapegoat. The narcissist identifies with the golden child and provides privileges to him or her as long as the golden child does just as she wants. The golden child has to be cared for assiduously by everyone in the family. The scapegoat has no needs and instead gets to do the caring. The golden child can do nothing wrong. The scapegoat is always at fault. This creates divisions between the children, one of whom has a large investment in the mother being wise and wonderful, and the other(s) who hate her. That division will be fostered by the narcissist with lies and with blatantly unfair and favoritizing behavior. The golden child will defend the mother and indirectly perpetuate the abuse by finding reasons to blame the scapegoat for the mother’s actions. The golden child may also directly take on the narcissistic mother’s tasks by physically abusing the scapegoat so the narcissistic mother doesn’t have to do that herself.

** She demeans, criticizes and denigrates. She lets you know in all sorts of little ways that she thinks less of you than she does of your siblings or of other people in general.

** She’s a liar in too many ways to count. Any time she talks about something that has emotional significance for her, it’s a fair bet that she’s lying. Lying is one way that she creates conflict in the relationships and lives of those around her - she’ll lie to them about what other people have said, what they’ve done, or how they feel. She’ll lie about her relationship with them, about your behavior or about your situation in order to inflate herself and to undermine your credibility.

** She has to be the center of attention all the time. This need is a defining trait of narcissists and particularly of narcissistic mothers for whom their children exist to be sources of attention and adoration.

** She is insanely defensive and is extremely sensitive to any criticism.

** She projects. This sounds a little like psycho-babble, but it is something that narcissists all do. Projection means that she will put her own bad behavior, character and traits on you so she can deny them in herself and punish you. This can be very difficult to see if you have traits that she can project on to. ex: An eating-disordered woman who obsesses over her daughter’s weight is projecting.

AND THE MOST NOTICABLE TRAIT MY MOM HAS:

**She destroys your relationships. Narcissistic mothers are like tornadoes: wherever they touch down families are torn apart and wounds are inflicted. Unless the father has control over the narcissist and holds the family together, adult siblings in families with narcissistic mothers characteristically have painful relationships. Typically all communication between siblings is superficial and driven by duty, or they may never talk to each other at all. In part, these women foster dissension between their children because they enjoy the control it gives them. If those children don’t communicate except through the mother, she can decide what everyone hears. Narcissists also love the excitement and drama they create by interfering in their children’s lives. Watching people’s lives explode is better than soap operas, especially when you don’t have any empathy for their misery.
The narcissist also uses favoritism and gossip to poison her childrens’ relationships. After her children move on with adult lives, the narcissist makes sure to keep each apprised of the doings of the others, passing on the most discreditable and juicy gossip (as always, disguised as “concern”) about the other children, again, in a way that engenders contempt rather than compassion. The end result is a family in which almost all communication is triangular. The narcissist, the spider in the middle of the family web, sensitively monitors all the children for information she can use to retain her unchallenged control over the family. She then passes that on to the others, creating the resentments that prevent them from communicating directly and freely with each other. The result is that the only communication between the children is through the narcissist, exactly the way she wants it.


. . . . It is for these examples/reasons given above that I have chosen to distance myself from the flagrant toxins that are dished out in my family. It is hurtful, disappointing and it's apparent that some have made their choice to function through life this way, no matter who they hurt . . . . but I no longer can. :(