Needless to say, the holidays brings on the phone calls. Benevolent it seems just 'seeing how I'm doing', etc. but something doesn't sit right. When I get that uneasy feeling inside, I begin searching. Searching for answers. When browsing through some blogs, I came across this post from Soaring Dove. A couple of ideas she had really struck a chord with me and shed some light on some areas I've been struggling with regarding NFOO and those who enable. One was:
The Army of the Enablers blindside us when we are most vulnerable. We trust them to have our back and devastated to find out that they have stabbed us in the back. The Enablers echo out our same Battle cry that the Overt N's abuse is wrong and must come to an end, but when we are holding the Overt N accountable the Covert attack of the Army of Enablers begins with either overt or covert bullying, harassment, guilt tripping tactics in order to recruit us to join their Enabling Army that Specializes in Cheap Premature Forgiveness and supports the Overt N ruling the KoN.
The Enabling Army turns on us, and the focus is no longer the Overt N's Lack of Remorse and Desire to Hurt Others, but our Lack of Forgiveness, Acceptance, and Reconciliation with the Overt N. The Enabling Army say they have our best interest at heart while they are attacking our heart. We know the identity of the Overt N is pathological and evil, so we do not want any contact with the Overt N, but the Enabling Army can not and will not admit the Overt N is evil, because then what does that say about them?
Wow, this completely describes my enabling father and dare I say my brother, aunt, and anyone else who shows no concern for the hurt NM has done - only to shun , guilt me, lie to me/about me for separating myself from the toxic/destructive web of my narcissistic mother and sister. Yes, they will feign concern, wonder what's wrong, why am I so upset. But it's just a fake concern. They search only to gauge where I stand with NM, am I ready to submit, where that leaves them in the toxic web, and what can they take from the conversation to add to their appeasement arsenal when NM seems like she will attack them if they have contact with me. They will share bits of our conversation as an offering to the 'Narc God' (aka - NM) so she can add more gossip about me in her slander campaign and be pleased with them for being the messenger like the good puppet they are. *SIGH*
Which highlights another of Soaring Dove's points:
The Covert Illusion of the KoN is that the Enablers are fellow victims trapped in the N's KoN with lots of FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) preventing their escape. We project onto the Enablers that they would want to be rescued, but they don't because they are not captives looking to escape harm, but rather covert Ns who know the overt N needs a target and if it will not be us, then it will be them. Covert Ns are not like us, they are like the Overt Ns. Covert Ns do not want to escape the KoN, they don't want to leave Hell, but want us to return to Hell to serve their own self-interest of not being the Overt N's new target.
So reality has hit me like a ton of bricks. Aside from DH, my kids and my wonderful MIL & her hubby, I have no one else on my side. Blind to think I had one ally from my FOO. Like Soaring Dove said, and my heart now accepts - They don't want to be rescued!
Sometimes we have to stand alone to stop the cycle of dysfunction, division, emotional destruction - even if it's only for our own selves. There is no one else with enough of a backbone to expose the evil that is my mother. The legacy I leave my children will not be like the one I've inherited from my own family. So courageously I stand. . . on MY OWN side!
Love this bible verse!
Titus 3 10-11:
10 Warn divisive people once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them. 11 You may be sure that such people are warped and sinful; they are self-condemned.