Outside the Sphere

What do you do when you're hurt? How about when you're sad/upset? Struggling financially? Depressed? Just blah? It's easy to shove these emotions inside the center of our core and just 'deal with it'. Not everyone is very successful at this, though. Antidepressant usage is on the rise, not to mention those that resort to/are in the midst of some form of substance abuse to numb oneself. But it doesn't go away. Deep in the sphere it festers.

I tend to be a 'stewer' where I replay old hurts, try to figure out resolutions to any problems/issues that arise; a deep thinker if you will. If I don't understand something, someone, or myself I set forth on a mission to research and figure out what ails. Unfortunately, these deep feelings tend to isolate. When I'm focusing on my own hurts I can't possibly be concerned with the hurts of others. . . . at least not to the extent that I could. I'm stuck in my sphere. A circular bubble with a thick wall keeping outside influences away so I can continue to hang on to/nurse those hurts & feelings that I naively think define me. An impenetrable sphere where nothing gets in but where nothing also gets out, expunged, cleansed. Stagnant. Slowly rotting. Dark.

But there's hope! Today I was reminded of that. I had lost a gift card given to me months ago. I felt silly, foolish that I had not been more careful. It was a real downer because we could really have used it then but we managed. So I prayed. Not necessarily a prayer to restore the card, thus assuage my own embarrassment. No. I prayed forgiveness for not appreciating the blessing as I should. May seem silly to some to have murmered such a prayer. But here I sit admist a week of financial struggles - light bulbs burnt out, groceries in general waning, dog needing more allergy meds, school shopping around the corner, etc. Just a whole bunch of 'little' things that add up to a financial burden when they are all in need of being done/replaced at once. *SIGH* But lo and behold there it was! At the bottom of my baby's toy hamper was the little card that I thought I'd lost for good staring back at me.

A simple occurance in the day to so many. No big deal. Just grab it, spend it and go on about life - right?? I couldn't just do that. Not without giving Glory to where/whom it's due. To me it let me know that my heavenly Father is looking out for me, even when I feel others have let me down or when I've dropped the ball for someone. YES, he does care and he will provide. It will all be done on His time and the timing will be perfect! I can begin to feel secure enough, knowing God has my back, to open a door in that sphere as I let the 'ugly' seep out and allow the love and compassion for others flow in. No more does the sphere have to be a ball & chain holding me down.

There's more in this world than just ME. . . or US. . . or YOU! I pray for boldness to step outside the sphere I've been hiding in. Allow me to make a difference for someone so they too can have the courage, support to take that step outside the sphere, and so on. A new movement forward. Progress. A positive difference!

Messy Love

"MOMMMMM, are you redy to mix the gredients??"

Pause. Sigh. Cooking with a toddler takes patience, especially when it's with my energetic son and it's a morning where I've yet to finish a cup of coffee. *insert possible meltdown from both of us*

But I look at those big blue eyes beaming their laser sharp glare at me overflowing with excitement to get to work. How can a mother say 'No' or 'Not yet'?? Simple. I can't! We got to work on baking our homemade granola bars .

Later that evening I was pondering the day and still muddling over being loved by God and what it truly means to love. Have I ever been loved by some? Have I reciprocated true love back? It's truly hard to get a handle on what LOVE really is because we all have our own warped perception of it. According to First Corinthians 13:4-7 this is love:

Love is patient and kind.
Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.
Love does not demand its own way.
Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged.
It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

If this is the standard, which it is to me, then I have failed on many occasions. I'm just a total mess. Or at least I live in a world filled with 'Messy Love' moments. To me that means that failing isn't an exception, it's the norm. I don't have patience all the time, I raise my voice, I've spanked, I've said unkind things, I've been irritable, I've doubted faith and relationships, etc. All of these shortfalls to those I 'love'? Need I go on? Yup an utter mess! But through love also brings honest repentance, change and forgiveness. It's in those moments of my mess that I can stop, say sorry to my children or husband and seek change. I want to change because I love them. If you truly love someone, you will WANT to change if you've done something to harm. It makes me want to be less so they can be more, if that makes any sense to some of you.

There can be great joy in messes. Some messes are just permanent fixtures that you glance at occasionally, tidy up a bit and keep going through the day with them there. A permanent fixture, if you will. There's comfort in their imperfections as you glance over thoughout the day, like my kitchen floor:

When I look at the mess, I feel love for my kids and their creativity and childlike heart that relishes the moments of simplified playtime. When I look at the mess of baby things over the house I thank God for my precious baby that inhabits those spaces. Some messes are welcomed and are needed. They help to make us a better version of ourselves.

But then there are the not so lovely messes in our lives. You know, the ones that really make you uncomfortable to even talk about let alone look at them. Thoughts of them sometimes bring anxiety or even anger. Broken relationships of warped love . . . that really wasn't love at all but just sinful selfishness meant for one to gain the upperhand over another. Manipulations meant to harm. Control meant to confine. Trust meant to break. Gifts with strings attached. Love never truly given.

Those are the messes that we sweep under the rug or jam in the closet hoping, praying that no one opens the door or lifts up that particular rug. That is the messy love that causes pain. We continue to live while walking over the rug but never again allowing the rug to be fully removed for the dust of our broken heart to scatter.

LOVE. An emotion that can so easily build up but then quickly break someone down. Confusing. Empty. Messy.

That is why I'm working everyday to redefine what love is based on God's view and the love I have for my husband & children. When I see my children's eyes longing, wanting, needing - it is up to me to choose which form of messy love I will unload on them. Will I burden them with hurts of my past? Or will I change the cycle and start anew? Will I love them for their imperfections allowing them independence & autonomy; just tidying up a bit but allowing their own mess to shine through?

We all have a choice and I've made mine!

In need of a spiritual intervention. . .

Aye! So it's been quite an adjustment to baby #4 and I'm not going to lie - my patience, self-control and even my sanity have been tested to the brink. How do some mom's do it that have multiple children? Now don't get me wrong, I am quite the multitasker. For example: I could nurse baby, talk on the phone, cook dinner and even answer the inadvertent questions of my other kids as they came along to interrupt while shooing the dog w/my foot to get out and quit begging in the kitchen. But running on that mode of stress only lasts so long before I'm yelling, "Calgon, take me away" . . . . if any of you remember those commercials, lol! There's got to be something better than this. . . . .

But the seriousness of this post is that despite all of my chaos, I've found it even harder to concentrate on God and staying focused. I just got done reading Francis Chan's book, 'Erasing Hell' and it did strike a chord with me but I'm ashamed to say that on so many levels, my life seems so 'full' that I don't think it has all yet sunk in - the depth of my depravity, the eternal and my fate amidst it all. I know of these things but it feels like something has been blocking my heart lately. I've dived into the Bible again searching for refuge, for a Father beyond my own father's shortfalls, reaching to the One to quiet the storm within my own thoughts. It can't be because of my undervaluing who God really is, is it??? All that mixed in with a little of my own negative sense of self/worth??? Hmmm. . . .

I've heard in one sermon the preacher saying that how we view God the Father in a similar fashion that we view our own father. Well, let's just say if that is the case it doesn't leave God and I in a very good situation to say the least, which is probably why subconsciously I'm already expecting to be rejected when it's my time to be judged. Pretty disheartening, huh?! Yup, that's what I've been muddling over and trying to find/cling to the truth that God is nothing like that at all. Judgement doesn't have to = rejection like it does here on earth with those we love and thought loved us too. I do believe it logically but it's just not absorbing in my heart spirtually. Anyone else had this view???

Children Learn What They Live

I'm currently reading The Idiot's Guide to Raising a Strong-Willed Child in an attempt to better understand my son's actions and continually find more productive ways to handle my reactions. I love that little boy with all my heart but I cannot deny that he is surely a little spitfire sometimes, LOL! Plus I want to learn whatever I can as a parent to better understand myself and my kids - something I didn't have with my own parents. :(

I found this poem in the book which was written by Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D. approx. 50 yrs. ago. It amazed me when reading it how relevent it is even in the present time. Makes one realize that good parenting, and even bad parenting, can leave timeless effects. Enjoy the poem! . . . .


If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy
If children live with jealousy, they learn to envy
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves
If children live with recognition,they learn it is good to have a goal
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness
If children live with fairness, they learn justice
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and
in those about them
If children live with friendliness, they learn that the world is a nice
place to live

On with Plan B

Well, it's been awhile since my last post but I do have good reason. . . especially since it's taken me a total of 3 days just to write, edit, and post this, LOL! My daughter was born on May 9th

and though I had set out for an all natural birth, it didn't quite go as expected. Obviously, even having to go to the hospital for an induction takes away from the 'natural' nature of birth. But I was as minimal as possible with just an oral med. to start the process but not much happened for hours. Then breaking my water. . . . again, not much! This went on for almost 30 hrs. and I was stuck at 3-4 dilation. :( So we went with Plan B and I broke down deciding that Pitocin was the best option at this point. After those wonderfully feeling contractions *insert sarcasm* for an hour, I had an epidural. Then lo' and behold, my baby girl was born not long after! Guess my body responded better to the intervention - *shrug*

But even in that process I learned some new things. For starters, our nurse had a cute quote. She asked if I knew how to make God laugh? She paused and when I said, "No" she continued with the answer of, "Have a plan". And it seemed to resonate with me because I thought I had every aspect of this pregnancy figured out, planned out and was on my way. It took more faith and trust for me to go forward with something outside of my 'plan' than it did to even conjure up my plan. Guess God had that lesson for me all along! When I think I have it figured out, He lets me know that I should move over a bit because He is the one that's driving. I can just sit in the passenger seat and enjoy the ride. :)

Also, after looking at my beautiful baby's face and pondering the direction of my life, my faith, my current situation with NFoo - I've decided that I want my blog to likewise gravitate in a different direction. From a couple of comments my brother has shared about NM - such as her refusing to come to his son's bday if I am there and her/EF no longer attending church because it's the same one I go to - it's textbook narc behavior which proves that she is content in her wicked, hurtful & unrepentant ways. Because of this, I don't want to dwell on her or a subject related to her. there are so many more positive & uplifting things in my life. I do myself a disservice by focusing on the past since going no-contact means there isn't much heartache going on presently because I don't deal with NFoo.

By not having contact with NFoo, my hubby and I have allowed ourselves to open our life up to a myriad of friends/church 'family' members that have offered such positive influences to us and our family. It is immeaurable how they have touched our lives. We never would have had this opportunity had we solely been stuck in NM/EF's web of influence which sheltered/isolated us from others due to their judgement/influence on our lives. I'm sad it has come to this with my family but ever thankful for the things God has shown me of other people in our lives.

It's true that when one door closes, several more can open and it's that hope that I'm clinging to and looking forward to along with working on forgiveness.

It's D-Day done MY way :)

Well, after a very low key pregnancy, the last 3 wks have been very back and forth with 'issues' of my amniotic fluid levels being low (dr's get nervous when it drops as low as 5 or below) and the office staff/dr'spushing for me to have an induction - despite me asking for time to naturally get my fluid levels up. Now a little background on this is that I initially wanted to have my baby at a birth center this time with no/little intervention but it boiled down to cost and what our insurance would cover so I stayed w/the OB practice I was already established with. Another point to make is that other than low fluid levels, there is NOTHING else showing up as a concern regarding my health or baby's health. Her stress tests have all been great! & she moves constantly - thus mitigating any other red flags that induction is mandatory.

Needless to say, I've had to come out of my comfort zone and be more of an advocate for me and my baby on what is truly necessary and what's just the dr's pushing for me to fall in line with 'protocol'. Definitely trying to grow outside the box of being a compliant daughter of an NM, lol!

Well, add to this equation my SGBro calling to pressure and covertly guilt me into letting NParents (NP) know about the impending arrival of baby #4. He even went so far as to suggest that the NP's could still come to the hospital in a 'controlled' environment just to see the baby and then be on their way and suggesting for me to be 'Christian' in this situation because I cannot take back the resentment if I ever re-establish a relationship w/NP's in the future.
WOW!! His conversation was WRONG and so co-Narc it's like reading it out of an enabler textbook. This is the same brother whom I just blogged about getting sh*t on by NM - plus I've explained my feelings, hurts, resentments about NFoo MANY times to him since my initiated estrangement. Oh, and he's been a professed atheist for many years but is 'warming' up to the idea of there even being a God, doesn't go to church and I don't believe he even reads the bible. . . . but he's suggesting that I be 'Christian' in this matter - LMFAO!!! Um, OK! *sarcasm*

SO. . . . What should the Brash do??? Capitulate as usual? Go with the flow for other's sake?? HELL NO!! While I'm not looking to go totally renegade and be purposefully defiant - I am finally agreeing to be induced though on a day that works with MY schedule. . . . *note* my file already shows that I apparently 'REFUSED' to come in for induction two days prior. I don't think ASKING for more time to naturally increase fluid levels is outright 'REFUSING' but WHATEVER! Also, once they get contractions going, I want NO FURTHER interventions which I and hubby will stick with (please pray I can withstand the pain and any annoying nurses, lol!!)

Secondly, my brother's supposed 'benevolent' request will be ignored and if he asks again, he will clearly have my full unrated reasoning as to why I DO NOT think I'm obligated to allow manipulative, destructive, unrepentent, hurtful people around me or my children. My parents are fully aware that I'm pregnant and they know when my due date is. When I sent letters explaining my hurts and their actions being the reason for me distancing myself from them, they are adults and fully capable of reaching out to take responsibility, correct, apologize for said actions. Yet they have NOT done anything aside from dropping manipulative/hoovering hints to me. . . . like leaving items on my porch and pics in my mailbox w/out any correspondence.

NO! - I WILL NOT AGAIN sacrifice MY comfort, dignity, self-esteem & self-worth just to appease THEIR comfort level. Me and my family deserve more, which is why I'm moving foward with this new step in my life and doing things MY WAY!! :)

p.s. Thank You to all my fellow bloggers/readers who have wished me well. It means a lot to have people rallying behind me and wishing good things for me!!

The Moment

I'm currently pregnant with baby #4 and am about 2 wks out from my due date which has had me on edge a little lately w/planning, etc. Aside from that, I'm still working on healing and re-creating a healthy life w/out NFoo (see past posts regarding this). Then insert me getting borderline fanatical about looking up budgeting, frugal living, easy meal prep blogs, sites and books from the library. Our budget is stretched super thin and focusing on ways that I can improve some areas of how our household functions has been all consuming - maybe a little TOO consuming.

But now I'm getting to the point of really thinking about what I've spent so much time focusing on?? Well for starters, I've been dealing with anger, hurt, resentment against some family members along with elation, worry, anxiety, joy from the impending arrival of our baby girl to more stress and frustration with our lack of $$. But it all revolves around ME, 'what-if' scenarios, and could-a/would-a/should-a thinking! There has to be more to the day and life than this? :-P

In the blog ZenHabits, the author Leo Babauta wrote a recent post commemorating his 38th birthday with 38 lessons he's learned in life. The one that made me stop and really think is life lesson #5:

"The moment is all there is. All our worries and plans about the future, all our replaying of things that happened in the past — it’s all in our heads, and it just distracts us from fully living right now. Let go of all that, and just focus on what you’re doing, right at this moment. In this way, any activity can be meditation."

Like the quote mentions, what would my day - and even life - look like if I minimized the worry, stopped replaying old hurts from the past and started letting the right here, right now affect me?? What if I lived more of a 'carpe diem' - or seize the day mentality??

Maybe I would stop more, open the blinds and truly look at the beauty of the sun glistening off of my newly budding lilac bush. . . . see the sparkle in my toddler's eyes and enjoy the squeals as he runs chasing his older brother and sister through the house. . . . welcome the scruffy feel of my yellow lab rubbing on my leg trying to steal one more pet. . . . kiss my husband a little longer to enjoy those last few seconds before he's out the door and off to work. . . . sit down with my older kids more and pray with them.

Sometimes I feel so limited by my past and let worry of the future take hold of and shadow those moments that should be so precious to me right now. Why? Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we not let go and just like the breeze on a crisp Spring afternoon. . . let The Moment hit us, experiencing it's presence - allowing us to feel and LIVE?!