On with Plan B

Well, it's been awhile since my last post but I do have good reason. . . especially since it's taken me a total of 3 days just to write, edit, and post this, LOL! My daughter was born on May 9th

and though I had set out for an all natural birth, it didn't quite go as expected. Obviously, even having to go to the hospital for an induction takes away from the 'natural' nature of birth. But I was as minimal as possible with just an oral med. to start the process but not much happened for hours. Then breaking my water. . . . again, not much! This went on for almost 30 hrs. and I was stuck at 3-4 dilation. :( So we went with Plan B and I broke down deciding that Pitocin was the best option at this point. After those wonderfully feeling contractions *insert sarcasm* for an hour, I had an epidural. Then lo' and behold, my baby girl was born not long after! Guess my body responded better to the intervention - *shrug*

But even in that process I learned some new things. For starters, our nurse had a cute quote. She asked if I knew how to make God laugh? She paused and when I said, "No" she continued with the answer of, "Have a plan". And it seemed to resonate with me because I thought I had every aspect of this pregnancy figured out, planned out and was on my way. It took more faith and trust for me to go forward with something outside of my 'plan' than it did to even conjure up my plan. Guess God had that lesson for me all along! When I think I have it figured out, He lets me know that I should move over a bit because He is the one that's driving. I can just sit in the passenger seat and enjoy the ride. :)

Also, after looking at my beautiful baby's face and pondering the direction of my life, my faith, my current situation with NFoo - I've decided that I want my blog to likewise gravitate in a different direction. From a couple of comments my brother has shared about NM - such as her refusing to come to his son's bday if I am there and her/EF no longer attending church because it's the same one I go to - it's textbook narc behavior which proves that she is content in her wicked, hurtful & unrepentant ways. Because of this, I don't want to dwell on her or a subject related to her. there are so many more positive & uplifting things in my life. I do myself a disservice by focusing on the past since going no-contact means there isn't much heartache going on presently because I don't deal with NFoo.

By not having contact with NFoo, my hubby and I have allowed ourselves to open our life up to a myriad of friends/church 'family' members that have offered such positive influences to us and our family. It is immeaurable how they have touched our lives. We never would have had this opportunity had we solely been stuck in NM/EF's web of influence which sheltered/isolated us from others due to their judgement/influence on our lives. I'm sad it has come to this with my family but ever thankful for the things God has shown me of other people in our lives.

It's true that when one door closes, several more can open and it's that hope that I'm clinging to and looking forward to along with working on forgiveness.

It's D-Day done MY way :)

Well, after a very low key pregnancy, the last 3 wks have been very back and forth with 'issues' of my amniotic fluid levels being low (dr's get nervous when it drops as low as 5 or below) and the office staff/dr'spushing for me to have an induction - despite me asking for time to naturally get my fluid levels up. Now a little background on this is that I initially wanted to have my baby at a birth center this time with no/little intervention but it boiled down to cost and what our insurance would cover so I stayed w/the OB practice I was already established with. Another point to make is that other than low fluid levels, there is NOTHING else showing up as a concern regarding my health or baby's health. Her stress tests have all been great! & she moves constantly - thus mitigating any other red flags that induction is mandatory.

Needless to say, I've had to come out of my comfort zone and be more of an advocate for me and my baby on what is truly necessary and what's just the dr's pushing for me to fall in line with 'protocol'. Definitely trying to grow outside the box of being a compliant daughter of an NM, lol!

Well, add to this equation my SGBro calling to pressure and covertly guilt me into letting NParents (NP) know about the impending arrival of baby #4. He even went so far as to suggest that the NP's could still come to the hospital in a 'controlled' environment just to see the baby and then be on their way and suggesting for me to be 'Christian' in this situation because I cannot take back the resentment if I ever re-establish a relationship w/NP's in the future.
WOW!! His conversation was WRONG and so co-Narc it's like reading it out of an enabler textbook. This is the same brother whom I just blogged about getting sh*t on by NM - plus I've explained my feelings, hurts, resentments about NFoo MANY times to him since my initiated estrangement. Oh, and he's been a professed atheist for many years but is 'warming' up to the idea of there even being a God, doesn't go to church and I don't believe he even reads the bible. . . . but he's suggesting that I be 'Christian' in this matter - LMFAO!!! Um, OK! *sarcasm*

SO. . . . What should the Brash do??? Capitulate as usual? Go with the flow for other's sake?? HELL NO!! While I'm not looking to go totally renegade and be purposefully defiant - I am finally agreeing to be induced though on a day that works with MY schedule. . . . *note* my file already shows that I apparently 'REFUSED' to come in for induction two days prior. I don't think ASKING for more time to naturally increase fluid levels is outright 'REFUSING' but WHATEVER! Also, once they get contractions going, I want NO FURTHER interventions which I and hubby will stick with (please pray I can withstand the pain and any annoying nurses, lol!!)

Secondly, my brother's supposed 'benevolent' request will be ignored and if he asks again, he will clearly have my full unrated reasoning as to why I DO NOT think I'm obligated to allow manipulative, destructive, unrepentent, hurtful people around me or my children. My parents are fully aware that I'm pregnant and they know when my due date is. When I sent letters explaining my hurts and their actions being the reason for me distancing myself from them, they are adults and fully capable of reaching out to take responsibility, correct, apologize for said actions. Yet they have NOT done anything aside from dropping manipulative/hoovering hints to me. . . . like leaving items on my porch and pics in my mailbox w/out any correspondence.

NO! - I WILL NOT AGAIN sacrifice MY comfort, dignity, self-esteem & self-worth just to appease THEIR comfort level. Me and my family deserve more, which is why I'm moving foward with this new step in my life and doing things MY WAY!! :)

p.s. Thank You to all my fellow bloggers/readers who have wished me well. It means a lot to have people rallying behind me and wishing good things for me!!

The Moment

I'm currently pregnant with baby #4 and am about 2 wks out from my due date which has had me on edge a little lately w/planning, etc. Aside from that, I'm still working on healing and re-creating a healthy life w/out NFoo (see past posts regarding this). Then insert me getting borderline fanatical about looking up budgeting, frugal living, easy meal prep blogs, sites and books from the library. Our budget is stretched super thin and focusing on ways that I can improve some areas of how our household functions has been all consuming - maybe a little TOO consuming.

But now I'm getting to the point of really thinking about what I've spent so much time focusing on?? Well for starters, I've been dealing with anger, hurt, resentment against some family members along with elation, worry, anxiety, joy from the impending arrival of our baby girl to more stress and frustration with our lack of $$. But it all revolves around ME, 'what-if' scenarios, and could-a/would-a/should-a thinking! There has to be more to the day and life than this? :-P

In the blog ZenHabits, the author Leo Babauta wrote a recent post commemorating his 38th birthday with 38 lessons he's learned in life. The one that made me stop and really think is life lesson #5:

"The moment is all there is. All our worries and plans about the future, all our replaying of things that happened in the past — it’s all in our heads, and it just distracts us from fully living right now. Let go of all that, and just focus on what you’re doing, right at this moment. In this way, any activity can be meditation."

Like the quote mentions, what would my day - and even life - look like if I minimized the worry, stopped replaying old hurts from the past and started letting the right here, right now affect me?? What if I lived more of a 'carpe diem' - or seize the day mentality??

Maybe I would stop more, open the blinds and truly look at the beauty of the sun glistening off of my newly budding lilac bush. . . . see the sparkle in my toddler's eyes and enjoy the squeals as he runs chasing his older brother and sister through the house. . . . welcome the scruffy feel of my yellow lab rubbing on my leg trying to steal one more pet. . . . kiss my husband a little longer to enjoy those last few seconds before he's out the door and off to work. . . . sit down with my older kids more and pray with them.

Sometimes I feel so limited by my past and let worry of the future take hold of and shadow those moments that should be so precious to me right now. Why? Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we not let go and just like the breeze on a crisp Spring afternoon. . . let The Moment hit us, experiencing it's presence - allowing us to feel and LIVE?!

The Indian Giver - a Narc's specialty

Let's begin with a current story:

I just talked to my Brother (who is NM's scapegoat) the day after Easter to find out that NM has struck a chord with one of us kids AGAIN - no surprise there! Apparently a nice set of bistro table have been sitting in their basement for years being stored/unused and NM promised them to my bro approx. 6 months ago, though of course after NM made a note to let him know that she's offering them to him since he doesn't get much (Aww, what a great mother!! - *gag*). HOWEVER, when my brother called to wish NM a Happy Easter, NM informed my bro that NSis was coming out to their house for Easter and her DH was bringing his truck so they could take the tables. Say what?! No inference as to having previously promised them to my brother?? Of course not! In fact, she did her usual projection/gaslight tactic by telling him that NSis really wanted a chandelier & lamp but NM strictly said, "No" to those items as she was saving those for my dear brother (Aww again at what a great mother she is! *insert sarcasm* ). The irony of it all is that my brother has already told NM a couple of times that he doesn't need nor want the chandelier/lamp that she already tried to give him on numerous occasions. . . . . which occasions NM has 'conveniently' forgotten.


So now some analysis:

First of all, anyone who is in contact with a narcissist knows that they are awful gift givers overall - if they even decide to give you anything. It's either cheap, suited to THEIR tastes, or a ploy to illicit some form of adoration/worship from you for THEM. If one lacks empathy and basic human consideration for others (which narcs do lack), there's no way that person can possibly take the time to pick out a heartfelt gift that says something special about YOU. They don't care what's special about YOU - plain and simple. So ALWAYS beware of narc gift givers.

Also, after talking to my bro another thing struck me. No gift is ever given by a narc w/out some strings attached. The gift is simply a tool to be used by the narc as some form of manipulation. It made me think of the term "Indian Giver". See, once you are offered something by the narc - it's your turn to jump for joy and bow down in utter graciousness that they thought of little ol' you. Can you feel the love yet?! If you don't jump, then be ready for their wrath or for them to 'take away' the gift as a form of manipulative punishment. . . . which is exactly what happened to my bro. :(

Those tables were never truly a 'gift' nor did she care about what he didn't get from her in life. They were simply objects used to sacrifice my brother's feelings at the expense of punishing him (maybe for not visiting/calling enough) and to also suck up to NSis - who NM had complained about to my bro a couple days earlier because NSis has been ignoring NM. Nope, the tables were only a pawn to AGAIN, put NM and HER needs in the middle of her Narc Web leaving my brother duped by her "Indian Giver" tactic and my NSis to fawn over the perceived 'generosity' of NM. Never a dull moment!! *wink*

The Rainbow

I saw an interesting comment on a website - but am sorry that I don't remember the link. :(
(If I find the exact article I will edit this post)

Basically it was an article where Dr. Karyl McBride was quoting one of her clients regarding the reality of having narcissistic parents. The client said that she finally figured it out that her parents' narcissism was akin to them being colorblind and her struggling to get them to see the 'rainbow' in her. It made perfect sense!

You cannot will a 'colorblind' person to see the difference between shades of gray, brown, navy blue, black OR between white, light pink, off-white, etc. All the colors are clearly the same to them. Whereas for a healthy person - my inference meaning a non-narcissistic individual - he/she can not only see the difference but can also appreciate the beauty of those differences.

If you are continually exposed to someone trying to mute your 'colors' and insisting you see the world through a limited scope of the color spectrum they see, it can be very damaging to your psyche in the long run. You will miss out on the beauty and no longer apprecate the differences/uniqueness everyone can bring to a relationship. So to anyone still being clouded by the FOG (fear/obligation/guilt) of a narc - find your way out so you can finally let others see the rainbow inside of you!! :)

One Step Closer

I've spilled a lot along the lines of the toxic behavior of several of my family members and shed some light on NPD. . . . but really, what does that mean in relation to me and the person I am? To be honest, there are still many days I'm trying to find that answer, unsure of the 'real' me, but I am learning as I go.

For starters, I know that I'm a work in progress as I sift through the lies, division, emotional strain/abuse, and silence. Being a DoNM (daughter of a narcissist mother) means that I rarely have had the chance to showcase who Brash is. It's always been me reacting to some action of my NFOO (narc family of origin) thus minimizing my independence. Make sense? Basically, I've come to find that I can't truly follow a path in life that's meant for me if I'm continuing to choose the directions that are pushed, strongly urged, or outright controlled for me by others.

There's been a lot over the last couple of months that I've had to silently sit and analyze to make sense of it all. Like a heavily veneered piece of furniture in need of repair, I'm slowly peeling back the layers to see the raw beauty of what's underneath. And I can realize the joy in being who I am with no apology for being different than someone else. I can now work on diffusing the lies that NM, EF, NSis and others in my family have poured on me for many yrs.


This means I am one step closer to:

*Accepting myself and even my faults; I don't have to be perfect like NFOO pushes
*Accepting differences in others such as my husband and children. We are all one big melting pot of a mess at times and I LOVE it!
*Loving my body and it's shape the way it is and no longer starving to be 'perfect'
*Realizing that being a stay-at-home mom isn't a lack of accomplishment but one of the best choices I've made in my life so far
*Believing that I am lovable and not because I've made myself into something that suits everyone else - but because I AM ME!
*Having confidence in the choices I make and the maturity to change any choice that no longer works for me, my husband and children
*Realizing the unconditional love of my Heavenly Father - who is a father so unlike my own. Sometimes it's hard to imagine the love God has for me.

There are several more things I'm learning everyday and sometimes the feelings, negative and positive, can be overwhelming. But each time I display the patience I never received, give the unconditional love I didn't have, each time I offer grace and mercy to my kids despite their mistakes - which I didn't experience at their age, each time I boldly try something new instead of listening to the fear NM has put in me to stay the same, and each time I smile above the pain in order to heal and move forward. . . .

. . . . I know that I'm on the right path and moving One Step Closer to the real Brash. :)

If it ain't broke, don't fix it

I was thinking of this old adage the other day and as usual it got me pondering. How many times have I, or others, heard this and incorporated it's meaning as we shift through our ideals, beliefs, etc. in our life? How many companies operate under this veiled message? I guess people assume that as long as things are going great in their life, or if a company is experiencing record sales, then everything must be fine. So let's keep doing it, right?

I've come to find that in many cases the phrase "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" is just a load of crap!! No one can argue that life is meant to be an ongoing sea of change. We see this everyday from watching our kids grow, experiencing our own changing likes/dislikes, weather, political shifts, demographic shifts, and so many others to list. Life, along with everything and everyone, is not meant to be a static object stuck in a particular moment of time. We should be continually moving, growing, learning and most of all - CHANGING! This means that sometimes things are broken and will need fixing from time to time.

The idea of 'good' and 'bad' are really subjective to our own ideals. If something is broken then it must be bad and in the same respect, if something is working then it must be good. This lax and flexible rule applies to our own personality traits/behaviors. Yes, you can be a 'good' person, but in relation to what or whom? To your neighbor? To your boss? To your spouse? Anna brings up a good perspective in her blog:

"If good is used for the evil purposes of predators then good itself becomes dangerous. We really must make determined efforts to not allow good to be used as a cloak for evil, especially if that good resides in ourselves. . . There is something fundamentally wrong with our idea of how "good" people should be if we are not discriminating enough to make sure our "good" is not used to facilitate evil. If the "good" qualities we boast of are used as weapons in the hands of a predator then our "good" is actually turned to evil. This is very serious business."

What about the narcissist? How many dysfunctional families utilize the aforementioned hidden message under the guise that everything is fine so don't try to 'fix' things by changing the status quo, speaking out, ignoring the 'white elephant in the room'? This message is highly orchestrated by the narcissist because they truly are static beings who don't believe they are broken or need to change - yes, in their mind they are inherently 'good'. And it is expected that the non-narcissist, enabler, co-narcissist is to exhibit certain 'good' qualities of their own. Some examples Anna gives of 'good' qualities expected by the narcissist are:

*deeply empathic
*people pleasing
*slow to judge
*excessively tolerant
*belief in the basic good of others

When we bestow these graces upon evil people we can safely state that these qualities become evil themselves.

I have allowed myself to be stuck in these 'good' behaviors. These characteristics in and of themselves are not 'bad' but like Anna points out, when we exhibit these qualities in the dynamics of a relationship that continually allows someone to harm us, then these traits are no longer 'good' and healthy. I've been so quick to please and very tolerant believing in the good of someones' intentions that on too many occasions I've overlooked and ignored someones' harsh criticisms, devaluing me, belittling me and my kids. I've even kept quiet when these tactics have been used on others - either overtly or covertly in the form of gossip and false concern. Thus allowing someone's evil to permeate my own heart and that of those close to me.

It's looking at this in hindsight that I realize that some of my family members are broken and YES, I am broken as well. I need fixing!! If you look from a more spiritual perspective, we are all broken. Jesus didn't come to earth to help an intact, 'good' group of people. Jesus came to offer hope and salvation to everyone because we are all broken and riddled with sin - we can't save ourselves. I think realizing this is a step in a positive direction towards healing. Not only do I have my heavenly Father's help towards changing what's broken in my heart, I can also draw on the strength of no longer being afraid to question the status quo, rock the boat and confront that nasty white elephant sitting smack dab in the middle of the room!!