You Don't Always Get A Choice

This idea popped into my head while discussing some biblical issues with my daughter yesterday. Her non-Christian friend commented that since God gave us free will then we are free to make a choice and it's 'all good' - with a controversial topic being discussed. Perplexed as my daughter was, she couldn't think of a response at that moment so she asked me later. I told her that yes & no regarding the whole issue of free will and choice. We are given free will to choose. We can choose what's right or wrong, truth or untruth, God or the world. but when it comes down to God's word and how we are to live, there are many instances where we DON'T get a choice! Period! No gray area! You believe or you don't! We can't pick some things out of the bible to follow and then discard the rest. As Mark Driscoll quoted on his Facebook page:

"If you believe what you like in the Gospel, and reject what you don't like, it is not the Gospel you believe, but yourself." - Augustine

There are so many instances in life and what we see daily that counter this idea such as. . . .
I can't say I believe in God's blessings of wealth, prosperity and then discard where he says we are to look after the poor - Matthew 19:20-24

I can't say I believe in the sanctity of marriage and then bail when we hit a rocky path (note today's approx. 50% divorce rate) - Matthew 5:31-32

I can't say I believe that children are a blessing but then say that the kids I have are enough, don't bless me anymore God! - Psalm 127: 3-5

I can't say I believe that Jesus was persecuted and died for me yet I don't think as a Christian I am subject to any level of discomfort for my faith - Mark 8:34-38

And this one being the hardest for me . . . . I can't say that I believe God has forgiven me yet I don't feel someone else is worthy of forgiveness - Luke 17:3, Matthew 6:14-15

Yes, we are to rebuke out of love hoping to achieve repentance so we can forgive but we live in a broken world. Evil exists and it's real as it manifests in the hearts of so many. I honestly am not waiting for an "I'm sorry" from my NM or EF. I've struggled with what forgiveness is supposed to look like then if I don't get repentance? Max Lucado, in his book 'Cast of Characters', had an idea. . . .

"To forgive someone is to admit our limitations. We've been given only one piece of life's jigsaw puzzle. Only God has the cover of the box. To forgive someone is to display reverence. Forgiveness is not saying the one who hurt you was right. Forgivenss is stating that God is fair and he will do what is right. After all, don't we have enough things to do without trying to do God's work too?"

So do I have a choice to forgive or not? Yes. No. I don't get a choice. I am to forgive. Then let God do the rest with the other party involved. Forgiving someone who's wronged me is for me; not always them. It's saying I forgive for the past while also saying that from this point forward I'm a new person. What was done before will not be acceptable now. A chasm in the relationship with a new beginning. No longer allowing abuse. Yes. Forgiveness is for me. It's not approving, diminishing the sin done against me, it's not enabling those who keep doing wrong, it's not denying what was done, it doesn't need an apology back, it's not about forgetting or ceasing to feel the pain, it may not be a one-time occurence, it leaves room for justice, it doesn't automatically extend trust back to those who damaged our trust, and most importantly. . . . forgiveness is NOT always about reconciliation.

*Thnx to Mark Driscoll's blog posting on Forgiveness at Mars Hill*

Sticks and stones

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me!" . . . .

That famous old adage from childhood. *Sigh* If only I knew then what I know now. Words do hurt and it's in those words that so many of us hide. Hide from being shamed. Hide from feeling 'less than'. Hide from being a disappointment. Hide from low self-esteem. Hide from hurt, anger, resentment, sadness. But in reflection I realize that those words belonged to someone else. Those feelings weren't mine. They were the negative thoughts born out of someone else's dysfunction, spoken from their lips and thrust into my heart to make me become less so they can become, in their eyes, more. I have been sacrificed for the benefit of someone else. . . . my welfare a total unconcern. Those meant to help were only in place to harm. Because I wasn't with them, I am automatically deemed 'against them'.

It wasn't until I realized my own self-worth, separate from those words, that I could rise above the labels & demands put on me. I no longer had to play that 'role'. I used to feel bad for myself, sorry for what I endured while blindly believing they would change. But I don't as much anymore. Now I feel bad for them. Sad that those negative words in their own heart are all that their life will amount to. Pitiful. On a mission searching endlessly for someone else to 'dump' their thoughts on . . . . those negative,toxic words that truly describe the wickedness in their own core.

How Much is Too Much????

Ugh! It's been a LONG and rough week for some reason. This is already week 2 of back to school so our routine is actually going quite smoothly. Maybe it's the cooler weather? Baby Natalie is only waking about once a night but I still can't sleep well. Who knows. I just feel so tired and sluggish. Not matter how early I hit the sack, that morning wake-up around 6am-ish is a pain in the arse. :( Maybe it's a combination of things in my life right now that is just wearing me out??? . . . . . Was thinking this morning and trying to narrow down my routine during the day but it's such a fine line between deciding what is too much and what isn't.

How much is too much TV time? . . . . sometimes an extra episode of Dora gives me 30 min. of sanity!
How much is too much computer time? . . . . again, some sanity time and communicating w/hothers.
How much is too much coffee? . . . . is there such a thing as this??
How much is too much of saying "No" or redirecting little ones? . . . . gosh, will he EVER just do it the first time, lol!
How much is too much doing and not getting much back? . . . . . I'm supposed to serve joyfully w/out resentment, right?!
How much is too much housework to worry about? . . . . . the trinity of laundry, dishes & vacuuming are sapping my creative side, really!
How much is too much yelling, craziness around the house when I really just want to lie down? . . . . . is it Mommy's naptime yet????
How much is too much with a pet that no one seems to want to take care of? . . . . can add said responsibilities into my housework question - blah!
How much is too much with tight budgeting? . . . . will there EVER be relief??
How much is too much with monthly bills? . . . . . seriously, what more can we go w/out to save $$$??
How much is too much time between date nights? Alone time with different kids? . . . . . ALWAYS a balancing act with this
How much is too much volunteering/serving? . . . . . want to help, but lately I just feel burned out on teaching kids - I'm sure that sounds awful. :(
How much is too much planning, organizing, rearranging when it all ends up looking the same w/in a week? . . . . nothing else to say here!
How much is too much missing that moment to say what you really feel? . . . . either good or constructive criticism?
How much is too much pushing, hinting for me to 'make nice' with emotionally abusive people because 'they are who they are'? . . . . can't people just live their own life?!
How much is too much in regards to forgiveness, repentance, and reconcilation? . . . . . I know God wants us to forgive, but he doesn't mean to let others continually harm us like a doormat does he??

I'm sure there are millions more that I, and others, could post. Just really in a crux with things lately wondering how much it too much trying to be everything to everyone while still trying to figure out who I am???

Soup-y Tuesday

Ever get tired of the same routine, same schedule, even the same lines of BS that some spew at you? Me too, lol! But the more I get 'tired' of things, the more it drives me to do things differently. Currently, I'm tired of being in debt and 'doing the dance' with our budget. So as is typical for my personality, I'm not OK bitching about it and carrying on doing the same thing with disappointing results.

See, being on a budget in a purposeful way to save, pay down debt and establish financial freedom mean that I have to research and try new ways to feed our growing family of 6 on a mere $100 (give or take a little xtra) a week. Impossible? Some weeks, YES! But through meal planning, carefully organizing what I have, and making more from scratch has helped mitigate the 'budget crunch'.

Which brings me to Soup-y Tuesday!!

I've been playing around with making certain nights of the week theme nights so Tuesdays are now being converted to soup-for-dinner. :) Soup is usually cheaper and I can make my own stock from homemade roast ckn or beef products.

Tonights Menu is: Onion Soup with Sausage & mushrooms, cheese filled bread stix (bought these per kid's request) and salad.

p.s. Monday is now leftover day! . . . and any other day where there's plenty left to feed the masses!

Outside the Sphere

What do you do when you're hurt? How about when you're sad/upset? Struggling financially? Depressed? Just blah? It's easy to shove these emotions inside the center of our core and just 'deal with it'. Not everyone is very successful at this, though. Antidepressant usage is on the rise, not to mention those that resort to/are in the midst of some form of substance abuse to numb oneself. But it doesn't go away. Deep in the sphere it festers.

I tend to be a 'stewer' where I replay old hurts, try to figure out resolutions to any problems/issues that arise; a deep thinker if you will. If I don't understand something, someone, or myself I set forth on a mission to research and figure out what ails. Unfortunately, these deep feelings tend to isolate. When I'm focusing on my own hurts I can't possibly be concerned with the hurts of others. . . . at least not to the extent that I could. I'm stuck in my sphere. A circular bubble with a thick wall keeping outside influences away so I can continue to hang on to/nurse those hurts & feelings that I naively think define me. An impenetrable sphere where nothing gets in but where nothing also gets out, expunged, cleansed. Stagnant. Slowly rotting. Dark.

But there's hope! Today I was reminded of that. I had lost a gift card given to me months ago. I felt silly, foolish that I had not been more careful. It was a real downer because we could really have used it then but we managed. So I prayed. Not necessarily a prayer to restore the card, thus assuage my own embarrassment. No. I prayed forgiveness for not appreciating the blessing as I should. May seem silly to some to have murmered such a prayer. But here I sit admist a week of financial struggles - light bulbs burnt out, groceries in general waning, dog needing more allergy meds, school shopping around the corner, etc. Just a whole bunch of 'little' things that add up to a financial burden when they are all in need of being done/replaced at once. *SIGH* But lo and behold there it was! At the bottom of my baby's toy hamper was the little card that I thought I'd lost for good staring back at me.

A simple occurance in the day to so many. No big deal. Just grab it, spend it and go on about life - right?? I couldn't just do that. Not without giving Glory to where/whom it's due. To me it let me know that my heavenly Father is looking out for me, even when I feel others have let me down or when I've dropped the ball for someone. YES, he does care and he will provide. It will all be done on His time and the timing will be perfect! I can begin to feel secure enough, knowing God has my back, to open a door in that sphere as I let the 'ugly' seep out and allow the love and compassion for others flow in. No more does the sphere have to be a ball & chain holding me down.

There's more in this world than just ME. . . or US. . . or YOU! I pray for boldness to step outside the sphere I've been hiding in. Allow me to make a difference for someone so they too can have the courage, support to take that step outside the sphere, and so on. A new movement forward. Progress. A positive difference!

Messy Love

"MOMMMMM, are you redy to mix the gredients??"

Pause. Sigh. Cooking with a toddler takes patience, especially when it's with my energetic son and it's a morning where I've yet to finish a cup of coffee. *insert possible meltdown from both of us*

But I look at those big blue eyes beaming their laser sharp glare at me overflowing with excitement to get to work. How can a mother say 'No' or 'Not yet'?? Simple. I can't! We got to work on baking our homemade granola bars .

Later that evening I was pondering the day and still muddling over being loved by God and what it truly means to love. Have I ever been loved by some? Have I reciprocated true love back? It's truly hard to get a handle on what LOVE really is because we all have our own warped perception of it. According to First Corinthians 13:4-7 this is love:

Love is patient and kind.
Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.
Love does not demand its own way.
Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged.
It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

If this is the standard, which it is to me, then I have failed on many occasions. I'm just a total mess. Or at least I live in a world filled with 'Messy Love' moments. To me that means that failing isn't an exception, it's the norm. I don't have patience all the time, I raise my voice, I've spanked, I've said unkind things, I've been irritable, I've doubted faith and relationships, etc. All of these shortfalls to those I 'love'? Need I go on? Yup an utter mess! But through love also brings honest repentance, change and forgiveness. It's in those moments of my mess that I can stop, say sorry to my children or husband and seek change. I want to change because I love them. If you truly love someone, you will WANT to change if you've done something to harm. It makes me want to be less so they can be more, if that makes any sense to some of you.

There can be great joy in messes. Some messes are just permanent fixtures that you glance at occasionally, tidy up a bit and keep going through the day with them there. A permanent fixture, if you will. There's comfort in their imperfections as you glance over thoughout the day, like my kitchen floor:

When I look at the mess, I feel love for my kids and their creativity and childlike heart that relishes the moments of simplified playtime. When I look at the mess of baby things over the house I thank God for my precious baby that inhabits those spaces. Some messes are welcomed and are needed. They help to make us a better version of ourselves.

But then there are the not so lovely messes in our lives. You know, the ones that really make you uncomfortable to even talk about let alone look at them. Thoughts of them sometimes bring anxiety or even anger. Broken relationships of warped love . . . that really wasn't love at all but just sinful selfishness meant for one to gain the upperhand over another. Manipulations meant to harm. Control meant to confine. Trust meant to break. Gifts with strings attached. Love never truly given.

Those are the messes that we sweep under the rug or jam in the closet hoping, praying that no one opens the door or lifts up that particular rug. That is the messy love that causes pain. We continue to live while walking over the rug but never again allowing the rug to be fully removed for the dust of our broken heart to scatter.

LOVE. An emotion that can so easily build up but then quickly break someone down. Confusing. Empty. Messy.

That is why I'm working everyday to redefine what love is based on God's view and the love I have for my husband & children. When I see my children's eyes longing, wanting, needing - it is up to me to choose which form of messy love I will unload on them. Will I burden them with hurts of my past? Or will I change the cycle and start anew? Will I love them for their imperfections allowing them independence & autonomy; just tidying up a bit but allowing their own mess to shine through?

We all have a choice and I've made mine!

In need of a spiritual intervention. . .

Aye! So it's been quite an adjustment to baby #4 and I'm not going to lie - my patience, self-control and even my sanity have been tested to the brink. How do some mom's do it that have multiple children? Now don't get me wrong, I am quite the multitasker. For example: I could nurse baby, talk on the phone, cook dinner and even answer the inadvertent questions of my other kids as they came along to interrupt while shooing the dog w/my foot to get out and quit begging in the kitchen. But running on that mode of stress only lasts so long before I'm yelling, "Calgon, take me away" . . . . if any of you remember those commercials, lol! There's got to be something better than this. . . . .

But the seriousness of this post is that despite all of my chaos, I've found it even harder to concentrate on God and staying focused. I just got done reading Francis Chan's book, 'Erasing Hell' and it did strike a chord with me but I'm ashamed to say that on so many levels, my life seems so 'full' that I don't think it has all yet sunk in - the depth of my depravity, the eternal and my fate amidst it all. I know of these things but it feels like something has been blocking my heart lately. I've dived into the Bible again searching for refuge, for a Father beyond my own father's shortfalls, reaching to the One to quiet the storm within my own thoughts. It can't be because of my undervaluing who God really is, is it??? All that mixed in with a little of my own negative sense of self/worth??? Hmmm. . . .

I've heard in one sermon the preacher saying that how we view God the Father in a similar fashion that we view our own father. Well, let's just say if that is the case it doesn't leave God and I in a very good situation to say the least, which is probably why subconsciously I'm already expecting to be rejected when it's my time to be judged. Pretty disheartening, huh?! Yup, that's what I've been muddling over and trying to find/cling to the truth that God is nothing like that at all. Judgement doesn't have to = rejection like it does here on earth with those we love and thought loved us too. I do believe it logically but it's just not absorbing in my heart spirtually. Anyone else had this view???