Little Girl Lost

Little Girl Lost
Written June 2007 / Finished Jan. 2008


Here I am alone, sitting in the corner as I cry
So much anger built up inside constantly questioning "Why?"
I remember his distance to me; quite aloof and somewhat cold
Mostly speaking if I made a mistake with a distasteful tone in his scold
Never measuring up to his standards no matter how many times I overachieved
Now locked in this world of perfection with disappointment; never relieved
And I remember her compassion yet tempered with chaos and constraint
Never allowed to disagree; only to back down and forced to compensate
I remember finding her one time crying on the floor in her despair
Her struggles put above our own and now I’m the one sitting there

I am a little girl lost
With my writing as my outlet; my voice
Though you choose to stay in denial
My heart doesn’t have that choice

I’m empty and so confused, admittedly ashamed of whom I am
So many things to be thankful for which is why I cannot understand
Yet I constantly feel inadequate and my self esteem is at an all time low
Subconsciously waiting for your permission to tell me which direction I should go
Are you even aware of what you did by overly suppressing the child inside?
You’ve muted the voice I held within and even in adulthood your grip won’t subside
Maybe if you admitted your mistakes because more than a simple ’sorry’ has come due
And stop the negative cycle of guilt you project to play the victim like you do

I am a little girl lost
Riddled with guilt and emotional decay
In a place separate from reality
As my identity has withered away

I am constantly in a struggle and getting lost in this situation
Forced to pick sides between parents and sibling triangulations
Pitting us against each other through your manipulation while being subtle
Always quick to blame who’s doing wrong, leaving you on your faultless pedestal
And I can’t forget how easy it is for you to withdraw your love and turn your back
If we try to be adults and disagree, our independence yields your verbal attacks
It’s been an unspoken rule to let the past go, or has it really been just your choice?
Since you’re unable to confront the pain you’ve caused as you fight to stifle my voice

I am a little girl lost
Acknowledging the hurt and trying to restrain
Your conditional love and constant demands
Because I know you’ll never change

The struggles I now face in adulthood are too apparent to hide
Feeling lost and unloved amidst the pain as I try to push it all aside
Struggling with this façade of perfection reaching for a goal I cannot attain
Constantly pushed because of your own shortcomings while I’m left with nothing gained
Must be nice to sit in your world of that delusion where you have sole control
But I’ve moved on into reality now and to your suffocating grip I say "No More!"

Healing - not all about forgiveness

Healing is not as easy as saying "I forgive you" and then it's done, especially with a narc. How do you even touch the emotion of forgiveness when the perpetrator admits to nothing and blames all but herself? Convenient for them, huh?! The damage is done yet the narc claims no responsibility to clean up their own mess. One site that I've looked at a lot recently for this purpose, to not only work on my own healing but also spiritual growth, is Luke Ministries.

After going 'no contact' for the time being from some family members, I felt an overwhelming feeling of guilt and couldn't understand why. Why should I feel guilty for cutting people out of my life who continually hurt, emotionally abuse, and criticize me - especially when their toxic behavior was starting to spill over onto my children - just because they're 'family'? It just didn't make sense. I felt like a 'bad girl' for not sticking around, submitting to their manipulations and just taking the brunt of the crap they fling at me. Truly this isn't the way one is supposed to live but I've had many years of emotional conditioning where it wasn't MY feelings I was apparently worried about deep down.

After reading more on the concept of forgiveness and contemplating on my own comfort level in dealing with these family members, I've come to realize that my healing is not dependent on giving them forgiveness; my healing is dependent on keeping their toxic behavior far away from me, my husband and my children!! Refusing to acknowledge their wrongdoing, twisting things to make it look like I'm at fault, and lying/gossipping about me behind my back just proves they are not looking for forgiveness. One only seeks forgiveness when he/she honestly feels they have done wrong and wants to make amends with the person(s) they've hurt. Forgiveness means the offensive behavior is to cease, if not greatly diminish, which has yet to ever happen.

No, a narcissist and his/her enabler isn't looking for forgiveness because they don't want to change, admit they are wrong, accept responsibility. All they want is to keep you around to cut down/abuse in order to lift themselves up. It's all about THEM, which makes it a futile effort to try and heal in that type of environment.


**Warn a divisive person once, then warn him a second time. After that, have nothing to do with him. You may be sure that such a man is warped and sinful; he is self-condemned....Titus 3:10-11**

Narcissism What??

Many have heard the word 'Narcissist', like I have, but really don't have an in depth idea as to what it really means. It is a little more than someone who just is 'full of themselves' or is conceited, vain, etc. Because the term has been 'simplified' (and isn't fully correct), it can be hard to truly convey the lasting effects one feels after being in the Narcissists' toxic presence for any length of time, let alone being raised by a narcissist parent (NP).

A quick listing of traits is given on the site www.narcissism101.com - below:

Narcissistic Personality Symptoms

1.grandiosity / exaggeration
2.fantastic thinking / romantic
3.believes special / unique
4.requires admiration
5.entitled / demanding
6.exploitive / manipulative
7.lacks empathy
8.envious / jealous
9.arrogant / haughty

Narcissism falls under the Cluster B category of personality disorders - which are personalities that are highly dramatic, both emotionally and behaviorally. . . . yup, that's my Mom!! Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic, and Histrionic Personality are in this group. As one site noted: "In considering individuals who create the most damage to social and personal relationships, the abusers, manipulators, “players”, controllers, and losers are found in Cluster B."

To put it in laymen's terms with examples (which really helps me), the site http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html has some great ones! I've added a few exerpts below based on the traits that stand out to me as being exuded frequently by my own mom:

Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers

** Everything she does is deniable. There is always a facile excuse or an explanation. Cruelties are couched in loving terms. Aggressive and hostile acts are paraded as thoughtfulness. Selfish manipulations are presented as gifts. Criticism and slander is slyly disguised as concern. She only wants what is best for you. She only wants to help you.

** She favoritizes. Narcissistic mothers commonly choose one (sometimes more) child to be the golden child and one (sometimes more) to be the scapegoat. The narcissist identifies with the golden child and provides privileges to him or her as long as the golden child does just as she wants. The golden child has to be cared for assiduously by everyone in the family. The scapegoat has no needs and instead gets to do the caring. The golden child can do nothing wrong. The scapegoat is always at fault. This creates divisions between the children, one of whom has a large investment in the mother being wise and wonderful, and the other(s) who hate her. That division will be fostered by the narcissist with lies and with blatantly unfair and favoritizing behavior. The golden child will defend the mother and indirectly perpetuate the abuse by finding reasons to blame the scapegoat for the mother’s actions. The golden child may also directly take on the narcissistic mother’s tasks by physically abusing the scapegoat so the narcissistic mother doesn’t have to do that herself.

** She demeans, criticizes and denigrates. She lets you know in all sorts of little ways that she thinks less of you than she does of your siblings or of other people in general.

** She’s a liar in too many ways to count. Any time she talks about something that has emotional significance for her, it’s a fair bet that she’s lying. Lying is one way that she creates conflict in the relationships and lives of those around her - she’ll lie to them about what other people have said, what they’ve done, or how they feel. She’ll lie about her relationship with them, about your behavior or about your situation in order to inflate herself and to undermine your credibility.

** She has to be the center of attention all the time. This need is a defining trait of narcissists and particularly of narcissistic mothers for whom their children exist to be sources of attention and adoration.

** She is insanely defensive and is extremely sensitive to any criticism.

** She projects. This sounds a little like psycho-babble, but it is something that narcissists all do. Projection means that she will put her own bad behavior, character and traits on you so she can deny them in herself and punish you. This can be very difficult to see if you have traits that she can project on to. ex: An eating-disordered woman who obsesses over her daughter’s weight is projecting.

AND THE MOST NOTICABLE TRAIT MY MOM HAS:

**She destroys your relationships. Narcissistic mothers are like tornadoes: wherever they touch down families are torn apart and wounds are inflicted. Unless the father has control over the narcissist and holds the family together, adult siblings in families with narcissistic mothers characteristically have painful relationships. Typically all communication between siblings is superficial and driven by duty, or they may never talk to each other at all. In part, these women foster dissension between their children because they enjoy the control it gives them. If those children don’t communicate except through the mother, she can decide what everyone hears. Narcissists also love the excitement and drama they create by interfering in their children’s lives. Watching people’s lives explode is better than soap operas, especially when you don’t have any empathy for their misery.
The narcissist also uses favoritism and gossip to poison her childrens’ relationships. After her children move on with adult lives, the narcissist makes sure to keep each apprised of the doings of the others, passing on the most discreditable and juicy gossip (as always, disguised as “concern”) about the other children, again, in a way that engenders contempt rather than compassion. The end result is a family in which almost all communication is triangular. The narcissist, the spider in the middle of the family web, sensitively monitors all the children for information she can use to retain her unchallenged control over the family. She then passes that on to the others, creating the resentments that prevent them from communicating directly and freely with each other. The result is that the only communication between the children is through the narcissist, exactly the way she wants it.


. . . . It is for these examples/reasons given above that I have chosen to distance myself from the flagrant toxins that are dished out in my family. It is hurtful, disappointing and it's apparent that some have made their choice to function through life this way, no matter who they hurt . . . . but I no longer can. :(

A New Reality

WOW - I haven't written in FOREVER! To be honest, I sort of gave up on it since usual time crunches didn't make it easy to add to the daily agenda. So why start up again now? As usual, life goes around & around, stuff happens and I need to get it out . . . sort of akin to an emotional purging.

So much has happened since last July that I don't know where to begin. But I'll cut through all the mess and basically say that w/in the last 8-9 months, I've learned a lot about God, a lot about myself and even more about my dysfunctional family. And NO, my family doesn't put the 'fun' in dysFUNctional! ;)

Simply put, I believe my mother suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) along with some other cluster B personality disorder traits - Oh Joy! My sis didn't fall too far from that nutjob tree herself. And my father?? Well, he's the epitomy of enabler or co-dependent. It's always been about mom, no matter what/how she's hurt us kids. *Sigh* It's all just been a whirlwind to say the least and for the time being, I've cut contact with the three of them until further notice. I've tried to 'play nice', swallowed too much self-denial, and let too many wrongs go that were done to me. Not anymore!

So needless to say, this blog is going to take a more dramatic turn for a bit as I continue to research, discover and heal from the 30+ years of emotional and verbal abuse. It's time for me to discover who 'Brashley' really is and begin to piece the brokenness together again as I build a new reality along the way. :)

Running on Empty

I was thinking about how true this title was for my life the other day. As I’m pulling out of the driveway, I noticed the gas gauge which showed “62 miles to E”. Awesome! Low gas and no gas money until Thursday. . . . um, it was only Tuesday. Ok, no biggie - I didn’t have much else to do until Thurs. so I’m sure I’d be fine. Besides, now that we’re really trying this whole ‘budget thing' I’m becoming quite skilled at running the car just a little bit longer before I fill up. I know how much I can go before it’s a vital necessity to refill the tank. I could surely make it to town a couple more times on that 62 miles. BUT needless to say, after a long day at home, a clingy sick toddler, cupboards and fridge becoming slightly barren and an almost empty tank of gas in my car, I was ready to be relieved of my ‘duties’ for the day.

But God had a different plan in store. We ended up having to leave our dinner untouched in order to rush Lukas to the hospital that evening after his fever shot up and he became slightly disorientated. We got scared and immediately loaded the brood into the car heading to the nearest ER. Could this really be happening right now???

My first reaction was to ask God, “Really God!? Do you think I can honestly handle this right now?” I was drained and now my emotions were totally frazzled!! But instead of continuing to ask God - ‘Why?’, I knew I needed to shift my focus to get through this. I instead began asking God to give me strength and to keep my tank going just a little bit longer; sustain me through the trials. In the book of Matthew, it states, “I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world” (Matt 16:33).

To make a long story short, Jesus did just that! He restored peace to me and the family as Lukas was able to go home shortly that evening with his fever reduced and food eventually in our bellies. It taught me that sometimes my comfort level is what makes me feel like I’m running on ‘E’. But God knows my heart and my ‘tank’ far better than I. He knows that when I’m at “62 miles to E” emotionally, I can hang on just a little bit longer. I just need to have faith and trust in Him. Then I’ll get through the trials with Him to praise & thank along the way. It’s not always easy, but we aren’t to take comfort in ourselves and what we ‘think’ we can handle, but in Christ Jesus who overcame the world and knows exactly what we truly can handle!!

Knock, Knock, Knocking on Heaven's Door

Dear Lord,

I know I don't talk to you enough, don't display you enough in my life and I make daily mistakes despite having your Word to guide me. I try my best and always find myself failing in some way, shape or form. But I know that you understand your ultimate plan for me more than I could ever comprehend, which is why I plead with you now to please help me be steadfast in the wake of struggles.

Grant me patience when I have little to spare to those around me.
Show me your forgiveness and send me opportunities to forgive.
Allow me to find ways to help others, even when I remain un-helped.
Teach me how to love others more fervently, just as you love all of your children.

I don't ask for you to take my struggles from me, lest I forget your power and how much I need you. . . . just that you help me stand firm in my faith, use me for your will and temper my days with your unending mercy and love.

I pray this in your Son's awesome name. . . . Amen!

Confessions from the Unemployed. . . .

WOW – it’s been a LONG time since I’ve written. I’d like to say that I’ve been uber busy with so much to do because I’m so important, blah blah blah! . . . . . but I can’t. I’ve just been lazy! Sure I’ve had a lot on my mind and probably twice as much to say but I just haven’t connected it on this blog - sorry. :(


Truth of the matter is I’ve had a lot of ideas, hopes, desires and changes coming over me. I felt the need to make a move and do something different for our family. It’s really a case of coming full circle in that I spent many years being a stay-at-home mom while going to school, then I got a job related to my degree and have now opted to once again stay home. “Whoa- wait! . . . . you mean all that time going to school, student loans, job searching to find a great job and now you’re back to square #1??” you are probably asking. But I don’t believe that I’m back to square #1. I believe that I’m forging onto a new square that has other opportunities. Besides, what fun is life if you never question the status quo and don’t take a chance??

I’ve learned many things about myself over the last year and continue to strive to make my life worth something – not just for me but for others. I want my kids to learn that there’s more to life than money, career, material things, beauty, etc. Here are some lessons I’ve learned in the process of where I’m at now:

• God always puts you where he wants you – either for a reason, season or for the duration to do his work – and I want to put my gifts to good use.

• Life and what the day entails aren’t always about ME – there are so many who need a helping hand or even just a smile – and I can offer both!

• Sometimes the things we think we want aren’t always the best for us and I’m not going to continue trying to fit a square in a circular hole – so to speak! ;)

• Taking a step ‘back’ can sometimes drive you further forward in reaching your goals.

• My children are only young once and our time here is limited – I don’t want to miss so much that I spend my future in regret.

• Above all – it’s a true adventure to take a leap of faith w/out knowing what’s on the bottom – scary at first but all the more worth it in the end!


So I’m not ‘downgrading’ myself or ‘limiting’ my career options – I’m writing a new chapter in my life and doing what I’ve been scared to do for too long. . . . . I’m following the pull of God on my heart and looking for places/people to serve to make a difference!!